TABLOID HELL – 16 JANUARY

Nice to see things getting back to normal...

Hurrah! Noel Gallagher’s back on form, slagging off his wee bro’s songwriting “skills” in The Sun this morning. Looking supremely cheesy sat by the pool, the elder Gallagher quipped: “It’s bullshit. He’s not as good as John Lennon. He’s not even as good as Jack Lemmon. He’s not in Lennon’s class. Only I am capable of that.” Ding-ding, round one… Anyone started a sweepstake yet on how long it is before one of them’s on a plane home?

The Sun also delivers the devastating news that we may, in fact, be deprived of Billie Piper’s movie debut, because beau Chris Evans has Captain Paranoia sitting on his shoulder and is convinced the main character in the film is him. Billie was due to take part in a new film ‘Taboid TV’, whose main character is a telly presenter. They quote a senior source on the set as saying: “We have been told that Chris put pressure on Billie and told her not to take part. Everyone is furious.” Back in the real world, an official spokesperson put Billie’s no show down to being unwell (And they’re not speculating that it’s morning sickness – miracles will never cease) and claiming that she will return to film her scenes at a later date. Phew.

The Mirror has the headline: “Madonna can have another child… if she plays her cards right” alongside a pic of “proud dad” Guy Ritchie, who has gone all goo-goo and said he plans to ditch his gangster movies. “Inspired by baby Rocco, Guy will make a children’s movie one day,” the newspaper coos. He tells them: “As I get drawn more and more into a child’s world with Rocco, I’ll get more and more interested in making a child’s movie. But at the moment he’s at the stage where he can’t tell the difference between me and a dog, so it’s not really worth thinking about yet.”

Heat magazine’s latest poll has declared Kylie and Robbie the sexiest man and woman in showbiz “pipping” Davina McCall and Brad Pitt… and Heat will be giving readers a 50% discount on specs next issue, hmm?

Click back tomorrow for more muck-raking fun with our tabloid chums…