TABLOID HELL – 15 JANUARY

Yup, another week - and the pop stars are up to their usual tricks...

Now, we know that Monday mornings are tradtionally lean times in the world of TABLOID HELL – but the stories in today’s main red-tops really take the digestive.

The shock-horror, who’d-a-thought it top showbiz story in The Mirror reveals that Oasis star Liam Gallagher and All Saints’ Nicole Appleton have been rowing. About Liam’s tendencies to go on benders and drink too much. And the fact that he’s in Rio and he might get off with some groupies. No shit Sherlock!

Over at The Sun, it’s revealed that Jamie Theakston was asked to GET OUT OF THE WAY (gasp) by one of Jennifer Lopez’s minders when she was on ‘Top Of The Pops’, the show he presents. Considering the star brought along 60 of her own staff, included a personal hairdresser to operate a wind machine while she was onstage, NME.COM reckons Theako was luckily not have undergone a full body-cavity strip search. J-Lo, as the impossibly vain diva likes to call herself, is, of course, and somewhat ironically, currently at Number One with ‘Love Don’t Cost A Thing’, and Theako should have felt privileged just to share the same oxygen with her, obviously.

NME.COM suggests that at this rate, the tabs might consider an investigation to discover whether bears really do prefer to relieve themselves amongst trees.

The Star splashes on a story claiming Britney Spears is to share her #2 million mansion with boyfriend Justin Timberlake from N*Sync. Seeing as Brit has always pledged no sex before marriage, it seems that the sound of wedding bells in the world of formulaic US pop-pap is in the air. NME.COM would like to say get married by all means – but please don’t breed.

Elsewhere in tabloid land, Patsy Kensit, ex-wife of Liam Gallagher, has told The Mirror that reports she’s dating comedian Ed Byrne are rubbish. There was us thinking that comedy must be the new rock’n’roll.

Former Another Level bandmates Dane Bowers and Wayne Williams had a bust-up on ITV morning show CD:UK at the weekend, The Sun reports, and over at The Mirror, they report that the S Club 7 record ‘Reach For The Stars’ looks set to storm the charts again due to its popularity of ITV’s smash-hit ‘Popstars’ show, the funniest unintentional TV comedy in years where various desperate wannabes compete tooth and claw to land a place in a new manufactured popband that will make Scooch look like REM.

And finally, The Star reports that Michael Jackson is to become an agony uncle. Apparently, the cosmetically-bizarre King Of Pop is to sit with other celebs in New York’s Carnegie Hall on February 14 to advise the misguided on love, family, and what to do when plastic surgery goes wrong and your career looks set to go down the pan, presumably.

Hey, we all got problems…