TABLOID HELL – MARCH 16

Plus, Hear'say still aren't millionaires, Jagger's ex blamed for spread of Aids and Martine McCutcheon is revealed as "a real star". No, really...

It was The Sun wot won it.

Today (March 16), among all the Hear’say goings on and pictures of the hugely balanced Jordan flashing her huge balances, the old currant bun has snapped one of the more bizarre photographs of the year.

Meg Mathews, ex-wife of Noel, is seen on a shopping trip pushing their daughter Anais in a buggy. Nothing peculiar, of course, until you realise the woman with a buggy beside her is Lisa Moorish, an old squeeze of Liam’s. Now look a little closer and note that the toddler in Moorish’s pram is three-year-old Molly, her daughter by Liam conceived within weeks of his marriage to Patsy Kensit. Chances are they weren’t discussing the relative merits of ‘Pure And Simple’ and ‘All Around The World’.

The Daily Star, meanwhile, does focus on Hear’say. It shows them posing with their Hear’say dolls, launched yesterday. It reminds us they are a surefire certainty for Number One on Sunday. It has also run a sad little tale on how the fivesome are not yet rich (they only released their bloody single on Monday – even BP doesn’t make money that quickly).

The paper also carries a story claiming, rather intriguingly, that Mick Jagger’s ex Luciana Morad is responsible for the spread of AIDS in Brazil. You see, Luciana has been presenting a show on Brazilian television called ‘Funk Balls’ – not a reference to Mick, but a series charting the rise of ‘funk balls’ dance events throughout Brazil. At these balls, teenagers play a racy version of musical chairs. The girls dance around in microskirts, frequently without underwear, sitting on the boys’ laps when the music stops and simulating sex. Many of them don’t simulate and there has been a rise in pregnancies and HIV contraction.

The Mirror, though, continues its one-paper crusade to sell tickets for a West End show. All this week, those ever-vigilant 3am Girls have focused their attention on the opening of a London stage-version of ‘My Fair Lady’. After two days of reports that the musical’s lead Martine McCutcheon (a former UK soap star turned singer turned musical performer) had flu and may not be able to go on, they rejoice with the news that good old Martine rose from her sick bed to battle onstage in the highly paid role. “By George, she’s got it! Star quality that is,” they enthuse, before quickly adding, in case you were in any doubt, that “the girl’s not only a trouper, she’s a real star”. They also report that Camilla Parker Bowles was spotted at a supermarket. This is not made up.

Finally, one in four British people claim to have Irish roots. According to The Mirror (not the ever-vigilant 3am Girls) up to 14 million “say they can trace their ancestry back to Ireland”. Tomorrow, March 17, is St. Patrick’s Day.