TABLOID HELL – JUNE 19 2001

Plus - Emma Bunton's after Tom Cruise (maybe), Christina Aguilera dresses like a tart and introducing the world's worst thief...

Oasis have made a big mistake.

They have mistaken The Beatles for thoroughbred horses.

So The Beatles producer George Martin has said. As he tells The Sun (June 19), “They made a big mistake hitching their wagon to The Beatles.” As George doesn’t go on to explain, Noel and the lads would find it difficult to be drawn by The Beatles because rather than feel the pace and strength four fine beasts would generate, they would start to veer to one side, perhaps to the right or maybe to the left as one of The Beatles is dead. Actually, another of them is quite poorly right now and the other two are getting on. So it would indeed be a mistake to hitch any wagon to The Beatles. In reality it would be foolhardy to hitch any wagon to any popular beat combo and instead some horses would be advisable. Or maybe oxen. Or a tractor.

, being a film actor, is frequently surrounded by people with film cameras.

The Star also carries several photographs of horse-faced midget Christina Aguilera dancing in a sexy way in sexy clothes at an American festival. “This is the sexiest act I’ve ever done,” the Dee Snider from Twisted Sister lookalike says. “I wanted to put a little ‘ooh la la’ into LA. And it got me kind of hot too.” Christina, who once had a hit with ‘Genie In A Bottle’ which is also a sexy tune, is keeping her sexiness to the max this summer revealing that her next “project” is going to be a cover of James Brown ‘s ‘Sex Machine’. Tabloid Hell chooses to believe that Christina‘s next “project” after Brown will be a musical interpretation of ‘Delta Of Venus’ by Anais Nin. As Christina is patently the sexiest woman alive on the planet and all over the world today at this moment, there is no-one better to put an early 21st century audio spin on works of erotica and obsession by minor writers.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Beefy Spice Mel C was seen coming out of a yoga lesson at a building where yoga is taught in London.

Finally, an unidentified 17-year-old in Texas wins the prize for being worst robber of the week. After holding up a Taco Bell fast food restaurant in Fort Worth, the thief ordered staff to cook him a chalupa. Staff got to cooking and called the police.

The police shot him.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with alternative robbery stories. And sightings of hairy dinosaurs.