TABLOID HELL – JUNE 7

Plus - Fred Durst goes crazy apeshit bonkers in London, Emma Bunton goes on a fairground ride and all of the UK goes out to vote. C'mon people...

Noel forgets.

Gallagher the senior has no recollection of what happened between 1995 and 1998.

According to the Daily Star, such was the size of the big drug net under which he lived that he could have been in Hong Kong for all he knew.

Oh, wait a second… “We supposedly went to all these interesting places. I guess we went to Hong Kong. But I don’t remember that.”

While such amnesia is a handy way of writing off ‘Be Here Now’, Noel will not escape everything else so lightly. He is reminded that in 1997, during a trip to Hong Kong, Tabloid Hell lent him £350,000. Noel was a bit peckish, the Oasis tour manager couldn’t be found and Tabloid Hell was happy to oblige and meet the cost of a sandwich. The figure is so huge because of the vast amount of money that everything costs in Hong Kong. A pint of lager – which incidentally was weak as bad piss – cost £1.5 million. Anyway, the debt is now being recalled.

for a few spinning tips. She hypes herself during practise sessions with house and techno, the crazy little Swiss-Yank.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Eminem is considering buying a house in London. It seems the rapper is… oh wait a second… The Sun ran with that story YESTERDAY.

The Sun today itself picks up on another ‘bad boy’ of modern music, Fred Durst. The “rowdy” rap/rock frontman, who speaks for and to angry, disenfranchised teens all over the world even though he is older than Methuselah, stunned onlookers in London’s trendy Met Bar by “tweaking his nipples”. A fellow drinker said: “Fred doesn’t care what people think of him. I suppose it goes with the territory.” He is just a bit wild, living out on that part of being that is alien to the majority. In the past he has been seen giving the finger saying ‘Fuck’ and ‘motherfucker’, well-known expletives. Oh, and he has loads of tattoos. And worries sheep.

The Sun reinforces the growing belief that every significant happening that occurs between big-hipped Latino love goddess and movie actress J-Lo and her bald headed boyfriend Cris Judd is connected to food. After saving Judd from dying by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on him in a restaurant and saving his life, strong-as-an-ox Jennifer then held a barbecue.

At the barbecue she proposed to well-fed Judd. He accepted but earns &pound21,000 a year. They are, Tabloidhell@nme.com has been led to believe, intending to hold their nuptials at a spit-roast. And then honeymoon in Pamplona where they will be chased by bulls throwing tomatoes. Westlife will no doubt be nearby on their continuing self-improvement drive – a drive that has led them to pass their love of literature onto Atomic Kitten who are, at present, pretty wild about Raymond Carver and his keen, finely honed observations on the minutiae of imploding relationships.

Back to the Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls where we learn that Cleavage Spice Emma Bunton was spotted on a fairground ride at a theme park. It is unclear if her cock-pierced boyfriend Jade Jones was also there. The 3am Girls are great. They really are.

Finally, if you are in the UK and over 18, stop reading this nonsense and go out and exercise your constitutional right. As with pop stars, you get the government you deserve. So go treat yourselves.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with voting intention in order to construct a NME.COM Exit Poll.