TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 17 2001

Plus - Madge's special birthday gift, cocaine and pink fluffy handcuffs...

Robbie took his clothes off.

All this morning’s Red Tops (August 17) report that the so called court jester of British pop became a little bored and distracted while enjoying a meal in Cologne and decided to strip naked. Robbie, formerly the musical muscle behind top selling UK boyband The Osmonds, took to a dancefloor in the corner of the restaurant when his hit ‘Rock DJ’ began to play. His strip was a recreation of the video to the track. However it is understood he didn’t rip off his flesh in a maniacal manner and thin girl models on roller skates didn’t ignore him, even though they weren’t there to ignore him if they were there. “He got all the way down to his undies and seemed quite pleased with himself,” a clubber tells The Sun. “Then he smirked and whipped ’em off.” Other people in the restaurant were less than impressed. One of them, who might contact Tabloid Hell, reports: “Robbie just went crazy. it’s as if he was hypnotised by an invisible force. I heard him mutter something about Black Forest Gateau and then he was off. But nobody here really noticed. Let’s face it… he’s no Hasselhoff.”

Meanwhile The Daily Star reports that Madonna‘s husband Guy Ritchie marked his wife’s birthday by presenting her with a birthday cake onstage at Fort Lauderdale when she was playing a concert in front of fans who had spent money in order to see her play for them. Guy, who is a top rated film director having made classic gangster films such as ‘Reservoir Dogs’ and ‘Casablanca’, wore a T-shirt onto the stage emblazoned with the word ‘Starfucker’. This is not an ironic message but a statement of fact as Guy and Madonna are husband and wife and Madonna is a star and presumably the pair have carnal knowledge of each other.

, today continue their messy war of attrition.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that they read Ministry magazine and discovered that Mel Blatt – who used to be in All Saints but now has a solo single to promote – used to take cocaine but doesn’t anymore. The Daily Star’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls With Lighter Hair hit back with the news that they read Q Magazine and discovered that Fatboy Slim

Norman Cook had some handcuffs that made a metal detector in an airport bleep. Not to be outdone The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls reveal they spotted Kym from Hear’say walking through Manchester town centre with her boyfriend. But it’s the Daily Star’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls With Lighter Hair who head into the weekend with their tails up on the news that boxer Prince Naseem Hamed was seen getting in a lift in a hotel in Manchester.

Finally, an 82-year-old prostitute was arrested soliciting in Taipei in Taiwan. Concerned readers should relax. According to police she looked much younger than she actually is.

A spokesperson said she was in good physical shape and with a little light make-up looks 70.

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