TABLOID HELL – APRIL 30

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Plus, Mel B goes, ahem, over the top, Beck gets religion and Bryan Adams gets Kate Moss...

Robbie Williams has rediscovered the colour of adrenalin. It’s brown. Apparently.

According to the Daily Star today (April 30), colour-conscious Robbie made the startling find when recording his version of Queen‘s ‘We Are The Champions’, and felt obliged to tell the world of this contribution to medical science. “Some of the original Queen members were there – Roger Taylor, Brian May… I was in the studio singing the lead, singing Freddie Mercury’s part. It was amazing,” says Robbie, forgetting, obviously, the name of the other one in Queen – the one who played the bass and had an outsize head. Queen are said to have been “more than impressed with his performance” – impressed, no doubt, as they have rediscovered the colour of money, following, as it will, a new round of royalty cheques and a lucrative tour of the US.

Geri elbows her way into a few stories this morning. Robbie, the Star reports, likes one of the songs on her new album and George Michael likes another. “You want your fans to like your work, but when other musos love your music, that’s great. It’s really cool,” smiles the delusional Geri. The Star also reports the incredible shrinking woman, whose own label are apparently not convinced that new single ‘It’s Raining Men’ will be a smash, despite blanket press coverage, according to tabloid reports last week, is ready to head out on a solo tour.

Geri‘s former sparring partner Mel B, meanwhile, completed the most effective publicity stunt of the week by bursting out of her delicately tied bodice at the Celebrate South Africa show yesterday (April 29) flashing her nipples. She releases new single ‘Lullaby’ on May 28. Mel‘s ex-husband, divorce-settlement-wealthy Dutch dancer Jimmy Gulzar, has accused her of using their daughter Phoenix (who shares her name with the calf spared in the foot and mouth epidemic cull) in a further publicity stunt to promote the single. He’s threatening to sue her for using the baby in the video for the single, reports The Sun. It was, reckons Jimmy, a “cheap and cynical” move. Jimmy also releases his debut solo single, ‘Don’t Give Up’, on May 28. Like ‘Lullaby’, it is about Phoenix.

The most curious story of the day is also found in the Sun. They reckon Beck has followed Tom Cruise and John Travolta into the Scientology movement.

The Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls report that cheese-grater faced Canadian rocker Bryan Adams is chasing Kate Moss. Kate caught Bryan‘s attention when she showed up for at a party at his flat “in a raincoat… and not much else”. They also reckon Bryan, “a keen amateur photographer”, has been friends with Kate since she posed for him “in nothing but fishnet stockings”. Which obviously wouldn’t catch his attention. The trio also reveal that monosyllabic former action film hero Dolph Lundgren was spotted having lunch. In a restaurant. The hungry little tyke.

Finally, chimps at a Spanish zoo are getting sex lessons. According to The Star, the animals of Valencia zoo, are being taught how to get jiggy with it by being shown a series of porn films – of other primates getting it on. The Star does not make it clear if these ‘primate blues’ limit their footage to monkeys or include humans or archbishops. Or indeed a mixture of the above.