TABLOID HELL – 18 JANUARY

Gosh, the tabloids are full of sex today. Oh, and Rod Stewart...

“Phew! ROD a scorcher” hollers the Star’s front page this morning (January 18), with a photo of “lucky old rocker Rod Stewart” and his girlfriend Penny Lancaster on holiday in the Carribbean. The pics of Penny’s bum, not to mention her boobs, are all over the papers this morning, while the crinkly codger – looking for all the world like a builder in a bright yellow hat and canary-coloured shirt – leers over her. Come back Geri and Robbie, all is forgiven.

The Daily Express meanwhile has a red-hot pop scoop! They’ve discovered the “English rose” Dido who – groan – “raps on fame’s door after teaming up with bad boy Eminem,” and plastered her all over page three. Gosh, and Stan has only been out since mid-December.

.

“The Oasis frontman” – isn’t that actually Liam? – “confessed to the fling as he prepared for his divorce” we are told. That pesky “source” has been wagging their tongue again, telling the paper: “Noel has been very open and admitted to his lawyers that he was unfaithful. He wants the divorce to be as amicable as possible and as quick. By being honest it can be dealt with swiftly.”

Robbie’s “#3 million love palace” is pictured in the Mirror. Now to the layman or woman, it looks deceptively like a building site but don’t be fooled! “The main feature is to make the entire first floor Robbie’s sleeping quarters, with a huge bedroom, ensuite dressing room and luxurious bathroom. ‘When it is finished and everything is moved in it will be spectacular,’ said a friend.” So there you go – indoor lavvy, bedroom with a great big cupboard, couple of mirrors and weyhey, you too could have your very own “love palace”. Nice.

Johnny Rotten reveals in the Star that he wants to be a dad. The former Sex Pistol and his wife Norma are unable to have kids. “There are always kids running around this place. It’s kind of open house for all of our friends – and it would be nice to have one of our own.” Anarchy!