TABLOID HELL – MARCH 2

Plus, news that Craig David has 'done it', the irresistible lure of rockpig Tommy Lee and Kylie's dietary tips...

ROBBIE WILLIAMS’ people have slapped a ban on SUN pop columnist DOMINIC MOHAN compiling a joke list of celebs who might have stolen his infamous tiger-pants – which have gone missing mere weeks before being auctioned by SOTHEBYS to raise funds for COMIC RELIEF.

Lamenting the fact that although he thought that Robbie was one of the wittiest men in rock he appears – or his “people” at any rate – to have lost his sense of humour, he adds: “PS: Rob, if I want to suggest you fancy Geri, I’ll just say it.” Handbags at dawn, gentlemen…

The Sun also treats us to the devastating news that lurve machine Craig David has already popped his cherry. “I lost my virginity when I was 15 or 16,” he begins. It was only three years ago, young man, was it really THAT forgettable?! “I wasn’t man of the moment or anything… Afterwards, I just thought, ‘Is that what all the hype’s about?'” So ‘7 Days’ wasn’t based on personal experience, it’s safe to assume.

Professional Essex lass Denise Van Outen has blamed her split from Jamiroquai noodler Jay Kay – hinted at when she turned up at the Brits wearing handcuffs with the loose half undone, then confirmed when Jay turned up at the Met Bar, gasp, alone! – on the 3.30am starts she had when she was presenting ‘The Big Breakfast’. Rather sadly, The Sun concludes: “Denise now has little work after Channel 4 axed her show ‘Something For The Weekend’. Jay is now working on a new album.” Tragedy.

Kylie reveals that there’s a strong possibility she has Scottish roots, revealing in the Daily Record that she pigs out on junk food: “I eat pretty much anything I want – dark chocolate, chips, ice-cream – a bit of everything.” But has she discovered the delights of chips-and-cheese, with a splat of brown “chippy” sauce on it, yet?

The Star says Pammy Anderson wants to get back with Motley Crue “wildman” (ie wife-beater) Tommy Lee, saying: “Tommy and I will always have a special connection.” She’s not famed for her taste in men. While single, she’s dated Marcus Schenkenberg and had a brief fling with Michael Bolton. Sublime, meet ridiculous.

Meanwhile, Janet Jackson’s trying to out-raunch Britney in her new video for ‘All For You’, out on April 9, while Liam G tripped over a photographer on the way out of London’s prestigious Ivy restaurant with ex-All Saint girlfriend Nic Appleton, and departed chuckling. The photographer wasn’t even bleeding or bruised or anything. Blimey.