Plus - Noel Gallagher walks somewhere, Martine McCutcheon can't sing and hippies smell...

Ronan has a big problem.

He has, his former Boyzone bandmate Shane Lynch tells The Star (June 21), “a lot of arseholes in his ear”.

Naturally such a startling anatomical aberration should have been detected and treated, but as nothing has been heard of it until now, it must be assumed the problem lingers.

Ronan‘s people, whose name is Legion for they are many, will of course get right on it. But time is a problem. The Big Man, as Ronan would be known if he were big, or looked upon with untainted affection by a great many or if he were the popular Scottish comedian and banjo player Billy Connolly, or indeed Northern Irish politician Ian Paisley, has set his heart on ‘breaking’ America.

Imagine if a nervous Ronan, untreated, aware of what he’s up against, felt a need ‘to go’ just before an important television performance. Feeling that he could ‘hold it in’ he’d attempt to muddle on through, like a true professional. However, there’s a chance his ever-present earpiece could come loose and due to a build of pressure and excitement all hell would be unleashed.

And to think he looks like such a lovely ordinary fella.

in the studio’s restaurant. However, the pair may have found their meal unsatisfying and it could also have gone cold as they “kissed as they ate”, blocking easy access for the food and preventing chewing.

The Sun also reports that bosses at former soap-star-turned-moderately-successful-pop-singer-turned-occassional-West-End-stage-musical-performer Martine McCutcheon’s ‘My Fair Lady’ have ordered her home. “She has been told to take the rest of the week off for voice rest because she can’t sing,” they say.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Noel Gallagher was spotted “strolling in the sunshine” across a bridge in London. Though he has never openly admitted it in the past, Noel has been “strolling” before. There are unsubstantiated reports that he “walked” in London on Tuesday (June 19) and another that he “sort of sauntered, but with a casual stride” on Monday (June 18). This was also in London. Noel has also been known to take a car and sometimes a plane on journeys.

Finally, a schoolteacher in the US has been fired for being a witch. Lauren Berrios is suing the Hampton Bays School District in New York over her dismissal. According to ananova.com, she says the rumours first started because she wears black clothing, dramatic makeup and has long fingernails. A spokesperson for the district said it was a ridiculous idea. Before he inexplicably turned into a mouse.

And don’t go smoking blow or kissing stones to embrace the earth and celebrate the summer solstice. It’s not big, it’s not clever and it’ll make you look like a hippie. Hippies have bad clothes and smell like wet dogs.

Email Tabloid Hell with alternative uses for hippies. And Tabloid Hell ‘s handlers are keen to open a message board . Click and say whether you want one or not.