Plus, Jade from Damage makes a preposterous suggestion, Geri gets even more politicised and Des Lynam resists porn temptations...

Jo O’Meara sees aliens.

Jo, the plug-ugly one from S CLUB 7, used to dream about one such creature in particular. “When I was seven or eight I had the same dream every night for two years,” she tells the Daily Star (May 29). “It was about a weird 40-something man who would drown me in a bath or throw me off a cliff.” And it gets better. “Years later when I was 13 I was doing a talent competition. While waiting for my turn I saw the same man across the room.”

However, pop’s own Shirley MacLaine’s talents are not restricted to children and extra-terrestrials. She can also commune with foxes. Mad Jo, whose friends at school probably pointed out that “at least she has a great personality”, was in bed with her fiance recently when she got “a really bad feeling”. “Then I heard all this screaming outside,” she says, “and a fox had been run over.”

Meanwhile, Jade Jones from Damage is also clearly mad. Jade has told the Star that his outfit have the “same epic stereo sound” as the Jackson Five. “We hope to work with Michael later this year,” he adds. Loopy Jade is best known for being Cleavage Spice Emma Bunton‘s boyfriend. Emma has a massive forehead. Like Dan Aykroyd in the box-office disappointment, but something of a cult hit, ‘Coneheads’. In which the Coneheads are an alien species attempting to colonise parts of the earth. Are you noticing a theme…?

The incredible shrinking woman maintains the popstars-who-are-mad-as-a-wet-fish theme. Geri, reckon the Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls, wants to be Marilyn Monroe to Tony Blair’s JFK – “minus the sexual aspects”, they helpfully point out. Seems Geri, who in fact weighs exactly the same as Marilyn Monroe’s left ankle, wants to take part in Tone’s election night celebrations on June 7. She has even composed a special song for the occasion. The PM’s “cohorts are keen to persuade their popstar pal to take a back seat”. Geri is no doubt a little put out by the snub, as her real name is Norma Jean and she used to love watching ‘Dallas’ as a child.

The 3am trio also helpfully reveal that television host Des Lynam (once tagged the ‘thinking woman’s crumpet’ on account of looking like a big piece of unyeasted dough) was spotted “walking past the sex shops in Brewer Street but ignoring them”. Affable Des may have been walking from somewhere to somewhere else.

The Sun today runs with photographs of various stars at a pro-celebrity football competition held in London yesterday. George Best is among them and he is looking well.

Finally, big, barking, huge-trousered space guru Sir Patrick Moore has some words of advice that Mad Miss O’Meara might find of use – don’t go thinking that Mars is a UFO.

The red planet, known to be home to Martians, is on its closest approach to earth for two years and for a time will be visible to the naked eye as a red dot low on the horizon.

Big Patrick has told the BBC that when this happens calls about alien sightings flood in.

“It will be nice and bright, low down in the sky after dark and it can look like a bright red star – and it normally sparks a new crop of flying saucer reports.”

Mars will be closest to earth on June 13. And despite still being 42 million miles away, people with small telescopes should be able to see its polar caps.

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