TABLOID HELL – MAY 17 2001

Plus, Christina wants a new flatshare, Mr Billie has even less shame than before and Liam's daughter gets more expensive...

S Club 7 pothead Bradley McIntosh has been splashing out.

However, this time the teen pin-up, who has in the past mangled his brain with mind-bending drugs, has not been illegally passing his cash to dodgy dealer types, keen to get him hooked for life with phrases such as “This is good dope, man.” Instead, according to the Daily Star today (May 17), Bradley has “built a state-of-the-art recording studio” at his home. “He’s a whiz on the production side of things,” says a ‘source close to the band’, still keen to tease Bradley with a slang reference to amphetamine-based drugs. Bad-ass Bradley still lives with his parents.

The Star also reports that horse-faced waif Christina Aguilera is selling her Beverly Hills home because she’s bored with it. Christina, famous for hit single ‘Genie In A Bottle’ and having shocking hair, was advised to sell up by her mother. “She didn’t really like the home she’d bought and we all told her that if she doesn’t love it, that’s just silly. We said she should sell it and get one that she does love, so that’s what she is doing.”

The quest could take some time. Christina is known to burst into tears if she thinks a hotel suite is too small.

And Billie Piper must be a little fearful this morning. Yesterday, her new husband, the ginger and out of shape, but tearfully wealthy Chris Evans appeared on national television in the UK wearing a tigerskin pair of furry trunks and a suggestively placed balloon filled with cream. He then had Judy Finnegan, a daytime chat-show hostess who once flashed her substantial breasts on national television but is old enough to be Billie‘s grandmother, bite the balloon. All the red-tops carry the photographs. Billie would receive half of Evans’ £80million fortune if they ever divorce.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls claim Lisa Moorish is seeking a rise in child support payments from Liam Gallagher. Liam fathered a daughter, Molly, with Lisa two years ago, and though only recently identified as the father, has been paying £2,000 a month support. The beagle-nosed sleuths now reckons she wants £10,000. Tabloid Hell has no reason to really disbelieve them.

They also reveal that David Schwimmer, on a trip to London, was spotted on a London street. They also let us know that Anna Walker was seen “strolling past a fire-station near Leicester Square”. Tabloid Hell sees no reason not to believe this to be Anna Walker, former head of the Energy portfolio at the DTI.

Finally, line dancing is evil and will see you burn forever in hell. The Very Reverend Ian Paisley, a man with a loud voice, has denounced it as a sinful pastime which incites lust.

He said Christians who enjoy line-dancing will be “destroyed by God”.

According to www.ananova.com, he said: “Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is sensual, and not a crucifying of lust but an incitement to lust.”

Ian Paisley has obviously not spent time watching ageing aunts line-dance at a family wedding. Lust is the last thing that crosses the mind.