TABLOID HELL – APRIL 26

Ritchie Neville targets a new teen popstrel, Fatboy Slim contemplates a new career as a porn star and George Harrison's meat fixation revealed...

S Club 7 pothead Jon Lee has fallen in love with a horse.

It seems the pop pin-up has finally had his brain turned to mush by mindbending marijuana, as he admits his love for the creature in The Sun today (April 26).

Jon, it is reported, “paid £5,000 for Polly after riding her while the group were rehearsing in Bath. Jon said: ‘I have fallen for her completely.'” Tabloid Hell believes it is only a matter of time before Druggie Jon breaks from the group to record a cover of ‘My Lovely Horse’, popularised in comedy hit ‘Father Ted’. Fittingly, the song was used as an entry in a mock Eurovision Song Contest.

Meanwhile, Ritchie Neville from Five, who earlier this week attacked S Club 7 for setting a bad example to fans (this was, somewhat incredibly, a comment on their drug use, rather than the music they have recorded), has apparently got his eye on Samantha Mumba. And according to ‘a pal’ in the Daily Star, Ritchie, who has girls’ eyelashes and very white teeth, “is wild at the moment”. This for Ritchie means “there is no longer a great worry about getting home before midnight”. But wild Ritchie should think long and hard before pursuing Miss Mumba. The last time he went out with a teenage pop starlet, she dumped him for a ginger, much older multi-millionaire.

Geri, of course, appears today. The Star says execs at the incredible shrinking woman‘s label are shifting nervously coming up to the release of her cover of ‘It’s Raining Men’. They have begun to realise it stinks. Peculiarly, this suggests they expected anything else.

Meanwhile, it now appears it may not be Geri we see buck naked across the pages of Penthouse. According to The Sun, the even less appealing figure of Fatboy Slim could be soon winking provocatively from the pages. He and wife Zoe Ball have been offered “a six-figure sum to their first naked celebrity couple”. This is not a good thing.

The Sun also reveals that Hare Krishna-following vegetarian ex-Beatle George Harrison wants nothing more than a tasty bacon butty (him and Geri both, you cry). According to a survey recently undertaken in the US researching links between The Beatles and food, George makes the most references to meat – “with lyrics mentioning pepperoni, pigs, chops, bacon and chicken”. The pepperoni reference comes from ‘Thanks For The Pepperoni’, a late-period out-take that surfaced on early-70s bootlegs. Honestly. We checked.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls report that Noel Gallagher was spotted in a bar in a London hotel. With friends. He might have been drinking. And possibly getting a bite to eat. They also reveal that Toploader guitarist Dan Hipgrave shouted at someone in a bar. However, they do print a picture of Uma Thurman, taken at the premiere of her new film, ‘The Golden Pond’. It is a very good photograph.

Finally, contestants at the world cow pat throwing championship in Beaver, Oklahoma, have been courting controversy. According to Dallas Morning News, Robby Deevers, a student from Liberal, Kansas, won the men’s contest with a record-breaking throw of 185ft 5in. He broke the record by over a foot. However, Robby caused headaches for some of the judges. He threw barefoot. “There was some discussion about the fact he was barefoot,” explains MC Kirk Fisher. “You have to be barefisted, but there’s nothing in the rules that say you have to have your shoes on.”

It was the 32nd annual contest.