TABLOID HELL – APRIL 3

Plus, Geri's weight loss, Britney and Christina fellate bottles in the name of advertising and Meg looks "the worse for wear". Remember where you read that last one first? No, us neither...

S Club 7 are drug fiends. Definitely, no doubt, absolutely. Please believe them. Please.

With one of the more curious ongoing admissions of guilt of recent times, S Club 7 this morning (April 3) again protest their complete lack of innocence.

Speaking in the Daily Star, Jon Lee, one of the three male pot-heads in the group, who were apprehended walking through the well peopled, heavily policed Covent Garden area of London last week with joints of the mindbending drug marijuana on their person, pleads that: “It was serious and we regret it. We weren’t trying to get Hear’say off the front pages.” S Club 7 promoted their new single ‘Don’t Stop Movin” at GAY at the London Astoria on Saturday (March 31) ahead of its release later this month. Hear’say remain on the front pages.

Meanwhile, Geri Halliwell is everywhere today. Which cannot be easy when, according to The Mirror you are the “incredible shrinking woman”. The paper carries a front-page picture of Ginger looking in need of a hefty fish supper. Inside they detail how Bendy Spice, seen in a shirt sporting the witty legend ‘Yoga Kills’, has lost 28lbs in 18 months. It’s all to do, apparently, with “a low carbohydrate diet, strict yoga and hours in the gym”. It would be churlish and oversimplistic of Tabloid Hell to suggest that a recording artist might be expected to spend time in a recording studio.

The Star concentrates on Geri‘s new ‘£2million fort’. Following the hugely upsetting break-in at her Notting Hill flat, she wants to buy “a townhouse”… in the same area. She apparently wants to be near Robbie Williams, “the most important man in her life” (news, surely, for George Michael, formerly the most important man in her life). “She’s going to make sure her new home has the most up-to-date security equipment on the market,” a ‘friend’ reckons. Which seems an expensive way to keep the fridge locked.

The Sun carries photos of Christina and Britney‘s showdown in the great Coke versus Pepsi endorsement war (which has a kind of blessed righteousness – the biggest names in pop promoting the biggest names in pop). Rather unsurprisingly, both poses show the pair with heads tilted back, mouths a little open, pushing a hard, chilled bottle to their lips. Tabloid Hell will report on what it believes to be the intended message tomorrow.

The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls today turn their well trained snipers’ eyes on Meg Mathews. First, they tell us the silicone-enhanced ex-wife of Noel was spotted in a restaurant on Friday. Having lunch. Then they tell us that the following night she was spotted slumped over, “looking rather the worse for wear” in a London nightclub.

With a rare nose for exclusives, they then tell us that Janet Jackson “danced into the early hours at Thursday’s [March 29] gay night at The End” nightclub in London. This is Tuesday.

Finally, a cursed stuffed pike is being shifted from its place in a Warrington Social Club because it spells death for anyone sitting near it. In the last three years, at least 12 members of the Carlsberg And Tetley Social have gone to meet their maker after falling under Percy’s shadow. Though mostly domino players, two bowls players “are also said to have fallen prey,” reports The Star. “Though they never actually sat at the table, their team picture was on the wall nearby.” An auction for the fish has turned up no bidders.

And did you know that fleas can jump 150 times their height, the equivalent of a human leaping 1,000ft into the air. “Fleas are amazing,” The Mirror rightly reasons.