TABLOID HELL – APRIL 6

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Plus, lapdancers give Robbie the respect he deserves, Geri confuses cats with cars and Mel B goes shopping. With her daughter...

Following the success of line-dancing mate LEE LATCHFORD-EVANS and his starring role – as himself – in failing daytime soap ‘CROSSROADS’, H from STEPS is to give acting a spin.

According to the Daily Star, H, real name H, has been offered the lead role in a new West End production of the musical ‘Godspell’. However, H, noted as a wacky joker, may not be able to take the part, which starred former pin-up David Cassidy in the ’70s, due to Steps‘ schedule.

H said the offer was “an honour” and “a dream come true”. H is an accomplished all-round entertainer. He pretended to be Leonardo DiCaprio reprising his role in ‘Titanic’ in a Steps video and also once wore a retro chic T-shirt of Jimi Hendrix onstage.

The Star also reports that Robbie Williams, himself formerly a dancer in a very successful pop band, has become a regular at Stringfellows lap-dancing club. But Robbie does not take part in any debased deviancy in the club (where women are known to move around provocatively, frequently with no clothes on). Apparently, he merely has a cup of tea and pays the women to sit down and have a chat. “They treat him with the respect he deserves and only dance for him if he wants them to,” a Stringfellows insider tells The Star without a trace of irony.

Robbie‘s ‘guardian angel’ Geri Halliwell, winning a fish supper for making the papers every single day for the last 64 years, pops up in The Sun complaining about how fraught she feels living in a luxury five-star hotel following a break-in at her Notting Hill flat. “I’m homeless,” she pleads inaccurately. “I feel really insecure and paranoid about it. I’m not selling my other house, so I’m living in a hotel and it’s unpleasant.” Bendy Spice also explains, without a trace of irony, that she recently had a new tattoo of a jaguar done “because my dad used to sell Jags [as in high-priced motor cars, rather than large, wild cats] and it reminds me of him”.

The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls today report that Bendy‘s former Spice mate Mel B was seen in her local town centre with her boyfriend and daughter. There is no punchline here.

Never missing a trick the Girls also report that actor Robbie Coltrane was seen carrying a laptop computer. Into a central London computer shop. A shop that in all likelihood repairs computers.

Finally, Dennis Halliwell (not, as far as Tabloid Hell is aware, related to Bendy) fears his washing machine is trying to make him change his vote from Labour to Conservative. As soon as the machine hits its spin cycle, it “breaks into chants of Tory Tory Tory”, says The Star. However, Dennis, from Wigan in Lancashire, is not for turning. “I am determined that my washing machine is not going to sway me. I’m just wondering if it will quieten down after the election.” And Dennis also has a completely rational excuse for what is going on. “It’s an Italian machine and is obviously right-wing.”

By the way, aulophobia is a fear of flutes.