TABLOID HELL – 2 APRIL

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Plus - Geri loves fags, Madonna's raunchy party and introducing Skint Spice...

Lee Latchford-Evans, the dark haired shaker from Steps, is to appear in ‘Crossroads’.

Lee, often considered the true powerhouse behind the line-dancing fivesome, will play himself in the episode, set to air this week. According to the Daily Star (April 2), “the hotel will be besieged by fans and photographers as the group feature in a storyline that has them appearing at a concert nearby.”

It is quite something when a spot in a poorly rating daytime soap opera, set around a fictional hotel in the Midlands, is huge move up the career ladder.

The Star also reports that Geri Halliwell is “battling the bulge by smoking non-stop”. Seems “Geri is controlling her love of junk food by smoking pack after pack of cigs, well known for dulling the appetite.” That, though, is not the interesting part of the article. A photo accompanying the piece shows Geri leaving a restaurant with recovering alcoholic Robbie Williams. The ‘paper has decided to stop pussyfooting around and in what amounts to an open call to put up or shut-up, describes former Take That dancer Williams as her “boyfriend”.

explains, breathing heavily.

The Sun reports that Scary Spice is having problems raising a paltry #500,000. ‘Skint Spice’ needs the cash to pay her share of a new ‘Spice Towers’ management office complex somewhere in central London (quite why the Spice Girls need a new management office complex is not addressed). One way The Sun thinks Scary could access the cash is by writing a book. With what can only be described as genuine clairvoyance, they reckon “highlights will no doubt include the band’s incredible rise to fame, Geri‘s departure from the group and Mel’s short marriage to Jimmy Gulzar’.

Sticking with thoughts of clairvoyance (did you see this coming?), it’s Monday, which means it’s time for renowned bender Uri Geller. The friend of Michael Jackson uses his regular Mirror column to today give advice on reading crystal balls. Though Uri boasts a huge collection of balls throughout his house and indeed on the nose of his Cadillac, a keen amateur can start with pretty much any surface. “A clear rock crystal is good, and so too is darkly shining obsidian or jet. The stone could be as large as a football or as small as an ear-ring,” he says. In fact, reckons Uri, “you can even use the blank screen of your computer screen.” And the prize? Well naysayers, it’s about “the possibilities from inside your own mind”. Uri’s latest book is called ‘Confessions Of A Rabbi And A Psychic’. It really is.

The Mirror’s ever vigilant 3am Girls report that Heather Mills, girlfriend of former Wings frontman Paul McCartney, has been approached by the government to take a seat in the House Of Lords. She isn’t sure whether or not to accept. They also report on a sighting of Gloria Hunniford (the doyen of puff pastry mid-afternoon chat) in a restaurant. She may have been eating.

Finally, scientists in the Himalayas may have finally found evidence of the existence of the Yeti. Strands of hair found in a forest in Bhutan have been impossible to identify using DNA tests and seem to point towards the elusive beast. The Daily Express carries an artist’s impression of what the creature might look like (a cross between a bear and a great ape). Yeti, in Tibetan means ‘magical creature’.