TABLOID HELL – JUNE 13 2001

Plus - Cher is an alien, Chris treats Billie by taking her to the cricket and The Incredible shrinking woman talks some Class A rubbish. Again...

Japanese fans love stroking Kelly Jones’ eyebrows.

According to The Sun (June 13), the curious Eastern peccadillo has helped the Stereophonics‘ fame grow in the Pacific rim.

Tabloid Hell feels this an admirable way of judging a band’s success, although it does favour the hirsute. Which of course flies in the face of US taste. The Americans don’t like hair one little bit – which explains why 70s cop show ‘Kojak’ enjoyed such success both in America and indeed all over the United States.

Fran Healy, of course, has nice eyebrows. So nice that friends are regularly heard to say “My God, they’re a powerful pair of peeker hoods, big lad.” Fran is also very polite, so Travis will reach Godlike status in Japan in a matter of days.

Meanwhile, Pavarotti has a big toilet.

is struck up by the band, it will be fair to say: ‘It’s okay. He was just caught short and is over by the bushes sorting himself out.’ No doubt many a chuckle will be raised.

Also, Cher has turned into a funny looking alien. She is pictured in several of the redtops emerging from a Beverly Hills beauty parlour with her face covered in a yellowy green crust. The papers claim it to be a face pack used by some to help themselves look a bit prettier. However, Tabloidhell will not be hoodwinked, choosing instead to see the truth. Cher is simply a funny looking alien who frequently wears a human face-mask – like in her well-known film ‘Moonstruck’ or the not so well known, but still known, ‘Mermaids’. She lives in a big hole in the Arizona desert – like a cowboy Hobbit – and will remain there until she is 482 but look, by then, younger than Charlotte Church.

Wealthy ginger Chris Evans took his teenage bride Billie Piper to watch a cricket match yesterday.

According to The Sun and The Star, Evans, who is rich enough to buy 80 million things from a one pound bargain shop, was making up to Billie after making her cry. It is not known exactly how she took to the apology, but Billie was no doubt ‘bowled over’ by such a generous, gallant gesture.

And Tabloid Hell readers will be aghast to learn that the Incredible Shrinking Woman is about to release another single. Rather than rework ‘It’s Raining Men’ using a variety of meteorological twists [see yesterday’s Tabloid Hell], Geri will release ‘Scream If You Wanna Go Faster’, the title track from her recent album that nobody bought. Talking about video to The Star, Geri says: “It’s kind of Lara Croft meets Blondie. The Lara Croft character represents spirit and soul, a little more organic, more playful. Then there’s the Blondie character. She’s a lot more aggressive and sexual and represents ego.” Sometimes you just have to sit back and marvel at the woman. She has the wiseness of Yoda.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today carry a photograph of Angelina Jolie. Which is a treat. She looks good, not really doing anything… Anyway, following yesterday’s revelation that actor James Belushi was seen walking into a hotel in Canada, the beagle-nosed trio today drop the news that Richard Gere was seen “ambling around” in Vancouver, which is also in Canada.

Finally, Tabloid Hell readers have begun to contribute their own sightings of famous people. Television presenter Gail Porter was spotted on The Strand in London. She may have been going somewhere. And the KitKat wrapper change problem was also sorted – it’s a health and safety thing.

Thank you.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with sightings. And information on pop stars with nice eyebrows.