TABLOID HELL – 28 MARCH

Plus - Posh gets all stroppy in an autograph shop - but gets a typically OTT Mother's Day gift andToploader get set for more bad hair days...

There finally appears to be an upside to the foot and mouth crisis gripping Britain and bringing the nation to its knees. Because of it, Gary Barlow has been locked in.

According to the Daily Star (March 28) the former

Take That lardy song-writer has seen “footpaths surrounding his home [Cuddington, Cheshire]… closed off because of the fear of spreading the disease.”

Following the collapse last year of his solo career, a humane cull is the only option.

has said.

Meanwhile, The Sun carries a photograph of Posh’s brand new BMW jeep – a gift from Brooklyn for Mother’s Day (Becks obviously had no problem getting his signature correct on his cheque). The jeep cost #56,000. The last three letters on the registration read DVB. Posh was never, ever going to receive a box of Black Magic and a bunch of flowers from the 24-hour garage.

The Sun also reports on the novel approach taken by Toploader‘s record company for keeping their charges in line. Frontman Joe Washbourn has said he wants to chop off his corkscrew locks but “I would get lynched by the record company”. Go on Joe, be your own man – cut it, cut it.

Back to The Star where Baby Spice says she is keen to get into yoga because “I’m quite good at relaxing already”. Seems Butch Spice Mel C turned her onto it. “Mel C and I have a loving relationship,” she confesses, somewhat obliquely.

Finally, spare a thought, if you will, for Mick Dawson.

His mate, Tom Callow, offered to do a little DIY and fix up his house. He instead blew it up. ‘As he worked on the property, Tom dropped a blowlamp which set fire to the kitchen. The torch ignited a can of gas for a cigarette lighter and a tin of glue – causing three separate blasts,” reports The Star. ‘Windows shattered, the front door was firewood, roof tiles blew away and an outer wall collapsed.

Mick though, who had lived in his Burnley home for 30 years, is an incredibly generous spirited man and something of a master of understatement. “It’s terrible, but all this can be replaced,” he opines. “It’s not the end of the world.”