TABLOID HELL – MARCH 7

Plus - Someone drinking coffee in a coffee shop, the return of Orville and Uri Geller's admission of failure...

“Is Sir Paul auditioning for Oasis?” asks a flabbergasted Daily Mail this morning (March 7).

The old organ is worried that The Beatle is falling short on the sartorial side in an attempt to look like Liam – a “sulky, unshaven scruffy singer”.

Macca is pictured walking through Heathrow Airport “wearing a knee-length khaki Parka, a purple round-neck sweatshirt, baggy pale trousers and trainers,” a far cry from “the well-tailored suits and simple T-shirts his fans are more used to seeing him in.” But before tea is spluttered from well-turned mouths the length and breadth of the Home Counties, fears can be allayed.

Macca was wearing a “purple round-neck sweatshirt”… A PURPLE ROUND-NECK SWEATSHIRT. Beetroot faced, overweight men who attempt to feel-up waitresses at the golf club (to the guffaws of sweaty chums) wear purple round-necked sweatshirts. The man who wrote ‘Helter Skelter’ and ‘A Day in The Life’ and ‘Get Back’ should not ever wear PURPLE ROUND-NECK SWEATERS.

Elsewhere, “Uri Geller has admitted defeat in his bid to heal pal Michael Jackson’s foot,” says The Sun. Uri shrugged off the failure explaining: “I am not a healer but what I did with Michael will encourage his foot to get better more quickly.” Uri Geller bends spoons for a living.

The Sun also reveals that Liam and Noel “have been fined #9,000 for late payment of tax, tax on #2 million earned during the last financial quarter.

The Star, meanwhile, tells us that ’80s childrens’ favourite ventriloquist dummy Orville The Duck, “is relaunching his career as a Sex Pistols wannabe with his new quacking version of ‘Anarchy In The UK’.” And it gets better. Seems Orville and his ‘handler’ Keith Harris are currently performing “naughty adult shows to sell-out crowds up and down the country.” The show includes a “wet T-shirt competition, guest spots and a blue rendition” of ‘Anarchy’. They will release it as a single if audience reaction keeps going well. Keith and Orville hit Number Four in the UK charts in 1982 with ‘Orville’s Song’.

was seen “buying a cappuccino”. In a coffee shop.

Finally, Nottingham City Council may have to nix a new piece of art planned to brighten up the town centre. Seems a mirror sculpture planned for the city centre may never be erected as scientists have warned reflected sunlight from the mighty erection could barbecue birds. ‘Til tomorrow.