ON THE COUCH WITH DEXTER HOLLAND

The thoughts of Chairman Holland...

What song describes you best?

‘Just A Gigolo’ by Dave Lee Roth. I totally identify with that guy.”

What is heaven?

“No more rainforests and a McDonald’s on every corner.”

What is hell?

“If I went to some town and there was no Planet Hollywood for me to hang out in.”

What is you earliest memory?

“Puking up baby food. It was cream of carrot. To this day I can’t eat carrots.”

What is your greatest fear?

“To answer one of these questions and to say something really stupid like, ‘I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to feel any more, to feel disillusionment and emptiness’, like all the lame people that have done this column usually say.”

What’s the worst trouble you’ve been in?

“When we were 17, we pinched some and went to a friend’s deserted house to drink it in his backyard. It turned out his dad was home, so he chased us out of the backyard and when we came back, he had stolen our and taken it into the house. He thought it was really funny. So the next day we returned to the house determined to get the back. We broke in and ended up being charged with breaking and entering.”

Who was the first love of your life?

“Well, it would have to be someone but not Linda Lovelace or the Debbie from Debbie Does Dallas. It would have to be the movies with the really fat s, the real big ‘uns.”

What’s your most treasured possession?

“Well, my c r ackpipe of course.”

What have you most regretted doing whilst drunk?

“I’ve not regretted one second of being drunk.”

Can you read music?

“No. If I were able to read music that would mean I was a real musician and I don’t think you could ever consider me a musician.”

Who is your all-time hero?

Oprah Winfrey because she’s so caring and sweet, but I wish she were fatter.”

What’s your greatest talent?

“Well, I can dangle a chain through my nose and pull it out through my mouth and if I vomit, it’s even better.”

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge? Why? How?

“Definitely the lads in Boyzone because they’re way too cute. We would force them to go to see a Guttermouth gig.”

What can you cook?

“Well actually, I can cook a very nice dinner. Perhaps a little fillet mignon, crjpes with a touch of thyme, medallions of atoes sautied in garlic and fennel Biarnaise, and an aubergine and mint salad with just a hint of lime and a touch of Sicily’s finest olive oil.”

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received?

“Don’t crap on your own doorstep.”

If you were invisible for the day what would you do?

“Oh, I would come and spend the day at NME.”

What are you final three wishes?

“Peace, sabotage and – ines in every street.”