TABLOID HELL – MARCH 13

Plus, the reason why Geri Halliwell's US career might be in trouble, Lou Pearlman's strange new project and Paul McCartney visits a hotel...

THE ROLLING STONES are about to make you an offer you can’t refuse.

According to this morning’s Sun (March 13) Keef’n’Charlie are about to be offered walk-on parts on ‘The Sopranos’. Apparently, makers of the superlative gangster series discovered that the pair were huge fans of the show.

“They might appear as themselves, but we would like to have them play a pair of old-school British gangsters,” they say. Though Tabloid Hell readily admits that the sartortially supreme, silver fox Watts could no doubt convince as an East End old boy who would teach those grossly irritating ‘Lock Stock…’ public school stools a thing or two, Keef is a different matter. Remember, the only other rock star currently in situ with Tony and da boys outside of Hoboken is Stevie Van Zandt (you will know him, of course, as Silvio Dante) of the E Street Band. For his role, Stevie piled on (and kept on) a whooping three stone. Keith Richards is not like other men. He doesn’t eat.

The Sun also reports that Lou Pearlman, the rotund impresario who brought the world *N SYNC and the Backstreet Boys is now to look after the fortunes of ’70s disco kings KC & The Sunshine Band. Get down. And Bob The Builder is to bring out an album in October. As before, Neil Morrissey, the man currently best known to the Great British public as game-show behemoth Les Dennis’ cuckold, will again voice the popular children’s character. Lou Pearlman is considering options, possibly.

The Mirror, meanwhile, tell us that Geri’s “criminal past comes back to haunt her” (something her close personal friend Prince Charles may care to bear in mind the next time he gets the good cups out at one of his functions). The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls reckon Geri “faces a lifetime ban from America” because of an 11-year-old conviction for theft. A spokesperson for the US Embassy provides The Mirror with this ringing statement of their commitment to keep the felon out. “Anyone convicted of a crime has to come in and be interviewed by the embassy,” they rage. “It’s a misconception that the US has a blanket ban on all visitors with criminal convictions. We do have room for flexibility.”

The 3am Girls also tell us that Paul McCartney has gone on holiday. With his girlfriend. They’re staying in a “luxury hotel”. Fancy.

And forget Hear’say (who, by the way, dominate The Daily Star this morning), the story of the true manufactured pop act to look out for is brought to us by the Daily Mail. They are the Marine Animals Band, set for their first public performance at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise aquarium in Yokohama City, outside of Tokyo on Saturday, March 17.

The band are made up of 13 sea mammals who blow water, dance and splash water on each other – not unlike Hear’say. The Nasty Nigel character in charge of putting them together is Ryo Nonoyama. While allowing Moko and Piko, two 300-pound walruses, into the band (these walruses sit outside the main tank playing alpine horns – sort of short didgeridoos), Ryo is believed to have reduced several beluga whales to tears with his “I’m sorry, I just don’t see your ‘clicks’ and water-hole blows fitting into this band.”

Finally, spare a thought for Gloria Kruydenberg, a 74-year-old lonely widow from Cardiff. Gloria has lost her pet budgie, Bridget. She flew off last week when Gloria was cleaning her cage, and Gloria believes the little bird is now on a mighty pub crawl.

Bridget, you see, has a fondness for sherry, and Gloria reckons she’s headed off around local watering holes on a mighty bender.

According to The Sun, Gloria has taken to pacing the local streets with a glass of sherry in her hand in a bid to coax her companion back.