TABLOID HELL – MARCH 29

Plus, after he's smoked so many of their brethren, plants are finally getting their revenge on Shaun Ryder, Emma Bunton has an argument - on the phone! - and the full horror of J-Lo's thighs dissected

Once upon a time, ROD STEWART got sad. He had been on a big long aeroplane flight and couldn’t wait to get home to kick a ball about in the garden. Because ROD loved football. Not as much as leggy blondes, but almost.

However when he got home, Rod found out he couldn’t play. According to The Sun (March 29), a wall had fallen on the pitch. Rod was very unhappy – “I’m having an argument with the builders. It means I can’t play football which I really love doing,” he explains.

To cheer himself up, Rod went round to his friend Ronnie Wood‘s house to see if he wanted to play. Ronnie did, so he and Rod sat around and laughed and joked and sang and played for hours. They even wrote a brand new song. It’s called ‘You Strum And I’ll Sing’, which Rod tells The Sun, rather hopefully, sounds “like the really early Faces stuff”. Rod went home happy.

Tomorrow, Tabloid Hell will bring news of Rod‘s next big adventure. He will go to the shops and choose his own cereal.

Meanwhile, following Alan Titchmarsh’s announcement of his departure from top-rating gardening show ‘Ground Force’, another green-fingered behemoth has spoken of the pressure he feels tending the soil.

Shaun Ryder tells The Sun that planting has him constantly fraught. “I get worried when I’m at home doing the garden and I’ve got to work out what seeds I’ve got to plant in which plant holders. I’m terrified that by the time it gets to spring and me garden’s all blooming that it ain’t coming out right.” Shaun Ryder once took a lot of drugs.

The Daily Star maintains its Baby Spice watch (she is about to release a new album, you know) by today revealing she had a mobile phone argument with her boyfriend Jade from moderately successful boyband Damage.

She shouted a bit and “clearly wasn’t happy.”

Like many of the red tops they carry a photo of Jennifer Lopez in a waitress outfit on the set of her new film. The ever-vigilant 3am Girls in The Mirror make a catty remark about the size of the chart-topping, hugely successfully Hollywood star’s thighs. They also tell us that Shaggy was spotted eating. In a restaurant.

Finally, this letter appeared in The Mirror today. “I do wish they would change the buzzer on Channel Four’s ‘Countdown Conundrum’,” (‘Countdown’, for Tabloid Hell readers outside of the UK, is a mid-afternoon television show which kind of tests contestants’ ability at Scrabble and counting). “It’s the same sound as my doorbell and it upsets my miniature dachshund, Dolly, who thinks we have visitors.”