TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 21

Plus 'Rod Stewart - The Play' limbers up for Broadway, nice Craig David, mystic Nicole Appleton and plane old Louise Redknapp...

POSH’n’BECKS have a new friend. He is SIR JOCELYN JOYCE, a “lively eccentric known for his non-conformist religious views and blazing rows with local Quakers”.

However, this morning’s Daily Star (February 21) reports that Sir Joc is also dead. Seems his unquiet spirit is wont to gallop along “the leafy lanes and gravel driveways” of the Spice Girl and Manchester United player’s grand country pile. Local legend claims the 17th-century lord wanted to be buried with his horse in the nearby village churchyard, but local clergy nixed the plan. “Spectres often return if their final wishes were not granted,” claims Marilyn Kenwood of the fantastically named Ghost Society. Could Sir Jocelyn’s spectral appearance be the cause of Becks’ recent chilling loss of form?

The Star also reports that Rod Stewart is planning a Broadway musical based on his life. It shall be called ‘Wake Up Maggie’ and set in ’60s London.

However, the plot explanation presented by Rod’s manager, Arnold Stiefel, reads like a bad ‘Carry On…’ caper : “Rod used to date a girl from a posh neighbourhood. At the end of the night, Rod, who was poor, got her to drop him off at a fancy house to impress her. Then he ran back back to his real home… In the show the girl calls at the house to say she is pregnant and the woman is thrilled – because her son is gay.” Such japes.

No such nonsense for Craig David. According to The Sun, the rising star prefers to tidy up, rather than wasting time chasing skirt. “When you’re in a hotel, you know your bed is going to be made, but I keep it tidy,” he says. “I don’t mess places up and there aren’t TVs being thrown out of windows.” The six-time Brit Award nominee recommends Mr Sheen for that just-French-polished buff. Probably.

Elsewhere in The Sun, Nicole Appleton also provides evidence of a sixth sense. Explaining how she trusts Liam Gallagher completely and knows he will never stray she says: “There were pictures of him talking to a girl in some Sunday newspapers, but I wasn’t worried for a second. I know her. I just told him, ‘Liam, that’s what happens if you talk to girls outside the Met Bar.'” However, we then learn that a strange sort of ESP led Nicole to the pictures. “I don’t know what Patsy’s been saying about him, as I’ve stopped reading newspapers,” says Clairvoyant Appleton.

The Mirror reports that pop pixie and soaraway success Louise met “hubby Jamie off a plane”. At an airport. In Liverpool.

Back to The Star, where we learn that Robbie Williams and Geri Halliwell are to record a “heart-wrenching duet” about the “pressure of fame”. They will also “show off their love for each other by kissing onstage” at the upcoming Brit Awards ceremony.Geri, who is soon to release her second solo album, also very publicly once fell for Chris Evans. For about three weeks. As she was vying for Number One with Baby Spice Emma Bunton.

Finally, after evidence of life after death, as reported previously in Tabloid Hell, the Daily Mail today reports an almost final confirmation of life on other planets. A Dr Norman Murray of the Canadian Institute For Theoretical Astrophysics has looked at more than 450 stars like our Sun, “a tiny fraction of those in the galaxy. If his findings were projected on to the whole of the Milky Way, there must be 50 billion sister earths,” he says.

We, truly, are not alone.