TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 16

Plus Sun hack fails to kill Oasis bloke, Dane Bowers calls Jordan an "idiot" (again) and drunken Scots assault ex-Spice Girl...

The wailing and gnashing of teeth among lovelorn fellas came to an abrupt halt this morning after Emma Bunton revealed she’s definitely NOT got hitched on the sly. It was her mum’s wedding she’d just been at when she turned up to a do the other day in a white outfit, clutching a bouquet of blooms and jesting that she’d tied the knot with boyfriend, Jade Jones. Phew.

It’s not just good news for guys in today’s Sun – blondes the length and breadth of the land heave a sigh of relief as crinkly peroxide babe collector Rod Stewart has dismissed claims that he popped the question to love Penny Lancaster in a New York restaurant on Valentine’s Day. He rang Bizarre to insist: “I am certainly not getting married again. Penny’s a top girl, but we were just having lunch.”

Meanwhile, The Sun’s pop-hound Dominic Mohan issues a public apology to Oasis’ Gem Archer after almost mowing him down in London’s Crouch End and admonishes: “Didn’t anyone teach you the Green Cross Code, young man?” Elsewhere, across town at the London Landmark Hotel, in fact, Liam still couldn’t stop rubbing Nic’s baby-bump while out at dinner. Maybe he thinks it works like one of those lucky Buddhas. The Star says that they were in fact at a singles night called “Bitter And Twisted” and that “everyone was shocked”. The couple sneaked out when they realised their error.

Hunky chunky dumpee Dane Bowers claims that ex-lover and glamour model Jordan has been trying to get back with him and through The Sun issues a great big “warning to [her current squeeze, footballer] Dwight Yorke”. He says: “Jordan phones me in the early hours, begging me to have her back and he knows nothing about it. She’s an idiot.” Yeah, have you seen Dane lately, girl? Pies, that’s all we’re saying.

The paper also reveals that Jennifer Lopez charges £500,000 an hour for public appearances. As well as demanding everything be draped in white and bringing an industrial-strength hairdryer to make her look all wafty.

It’s deja vu in The Star, with Geri Halliwell in a bikini, on a beach, snogging a bloke. This time it’s not Robbie, but an unnamed man that “industry insiders reckon has brought her true happiness”. Her accountant?

Posh and Becks have vowed to keep a badgers’ sett on their £2.5 million Hertfordshire estate safe, and in the Star we discover that Victoria is calling one of the vicious little brutes (they are vicious, cute but vicious) Baby Brock-lyn. NME.COM’s wildlife editor explained that a “brock” is a nickname for a badger. The couple’s baby is called Brooklyn. Geddit? Hmm.

More Spice shenanigans in the The Star with Scary and boyfriend Max Beesley on a romantic stroll in Venice, while the Daily Record rounds it all up nicely pointing out that “they once lived in the same house, but now they aren’t even in the same country”. We’re also told that “former Spice Girl Michelle Stephenson” – ie the one who left after about five minutes, before they got a whiff of success – got groped by some Scots yobs while filming a game-show in Malta. “One thrust his hand right up my T-shirt – and I wasn’t wearing a bra.” The game-show was called ‘Wild Weekend’.

The Record also unmasks George Harrison as being behind a new website to discuss gnomes and vintage cars, [url=]www.allthingsmustpass.com. Inspired by David Bowie’s lavish website’s ‘Gnome Mobile’ minisite, perhaps? The paper also tells us that Brendan Brown from Wheatus wants to kick Liam Gallagher’s lily ass. “I like Oasis’ music. Noel Gallagher is a good songwriter, but his brother makes his life hell. If I meet Liam, he’ll probably take a swing at me, but I would break his neck.”

The paper also reveals that Westlife hate Christina Aguilera, after she kicked them off their table in a US nightclub: “Christina is a bitch,” rages Kian. “We don’t get on with her for the simple reason that we met her in a club one night. She asked one of her security to have us moved so she could sit down… She came across very arrogant. Westlife would never behave like that.”

Stroppy pop stars, eh?

The Mirror tells us that ex-East 17 bloke Brian Harvey has bleached his hair and looks uncannily like Eminem. Slim shady of a chance you’ll ever have a Number One again, Bri?