TABLOID HELL – JANUARY 3 2002

Plus - Bob The Builder's foul-mouthed tirade, Hear'say's booze up and Britney loves Robbie...

Scary Spice Mel B has been killing chickens… and she loves it!

In a sickening display of chicken throat-cutting madness, the former drummer with former top-selling girl band outfit the Spice Girls has been literally killing the animals dead, The Daily Star explains.

“I feel quite blessed,” the obviously mental woman says. “They did four chicken sacrifices. Is a sacrifice with prayers any worse than the way animals suffer in slaughter houses at home?”

Mel B, whose surname is Brown even though she is a chicken killer, was taking part in a voodoo sacrifice in Africa. Despite claiming she was unable to prevent what was going on because she “didn’t have any knickers on”, her actions have caused resentment and understandable and literally complete outrage in all quarters of decent thinking society.

“For fuck’s sake,” said Bob The Builder when he heard the news. “Who the fucking hell does she think she is. Listen, before I got into the building game – which is no bloody picnic I can tell you – I worked for five hard but happy years in an abattoir. And we never had Mel fucking B poncing about in there.

. No, I didn’t fucking well think so. Fucking chicken blessings.”

Elsewhere, Hear’Say are pictured in The Sun lying around on a floor strewn with streamers and such like in a pose that suggests the former one-time chart-toppers are blind-drunk following a binge-drinking party of some sort. Most distressingly Danny, drummer from the band, is seen passed out flat on his back about to throw up all over himself causing embarrassment both to himself and his family because of his loutish, outlandish behaviour. “He’ll only be able to be an embarrassment if he lives through the vomiting, which is unlikely as he is flat on his back,” a spokesperson for those with special needs said. “He needs to be on his side with his airways clear. When that vomit rushes out his mouth it’ll simply be propelled back there unless he is on his side. He’ll very quickly choke and then he’d be compared to Jimi Hendrix.”

Finally, Britney loves Robbie Williams now, reports The Sun (January 3), though she still loves her boyfriend Justin too. However, she would unable to marry both unless she lived in Utah and she were a man. They would also need to be women.

Click here Tabloidhell@nme.com to see Mel B’s start on pigs.