TABLOID HELL – JUNE 6 2001

Plus - Posh Spice advertises posh frocks, Eminem gets ready to house hunt in London and Hugh Grant in wine drinking stunner...

Following his success at wiping out world debt and bringing love and happiness to various parts of the planet where it doesn’t rain much, Bono has moved his magic touch to Britain.

According to The Mirror (June 6) it is thanks to the U2 father of four that Tony Blair was elected and is looking at a landslide return tomorrow.

It seems Bono bumped into Mr Blair in 1994 when he was an opposition leader with more hair. Bono reckoned he could turn the callow smiling 30-something into a world leader. And he did. “The trouble with politicians is that they never know how to stand when they deliver a speech,” says Bono. So he taught him. “The technique involves putting one foot in front of the other and moving about quite a lot,” explains The Mirror’s rather fine Scurra column. “Bono assured Blair that it was one way to get the youth vote – and with that a star was born.”

It is unclear how Alistair Campbell, the PM’s press secretary and the man responsible for how Tony Blair does everything, takes to such an intrusive touch. Campbell, incidentally, is pictured in The Mirror having slimmed down quite considerably. It is possible that he hopes Britney Spears, who he loves, will show up at the Labour Party election celebration shindig and admire his svelte figure.

and Mick Jagger amongst its clients. So elite is it, in fact, that there is a waiting list of potential customers keen to apply for membership. And even when a member with several billion pounds to spend, celebrities still have to ring a bell in order to be allowed in and browse around.

“She represents everything a store like Voyage is about and will propel us even more as the store for the great and the good in London,” a spokesperson said of Mrs Beckham – who used to be driven to school in her father’s Transit van and is so posh and classy that she got married sitting on an imitation throne. A throne, of course, in the proper sense of the word, rather than as a slang term for a toilet.

The Sun also reports that Eminem is keen on buying a house in London. Tabloid Hell chooses to believe he is interested in several installations currently on show at the Tate Modern, though he probably does agree that Tracy Emin creates nothing but a load of old shite. Eminem is also known to like rivers, so the Thames would obviously appeal, and has been known to use roads on occasion, of which there are many in London.

Meanwhile, the Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that two different men, both with the first name Hugh, were spotted in London doing slightly different things. They peak behind the heavy curtain of security that has been shielding Hugh Grant and reveal that he was spotted drinking wine with a friend in the Groucho Club, a club where famous are members. They also reveal that Hugh Dennis was spotted drinking coffee in a coffee shop “by himself”. Hugh Dennis is a little known television sitcom actor.

Finally, if you’re Russian woman you’re not allowed to go to Mars. Because you cause arguments.

According to [url=]www.ananova.com, Anatoly Grigoryev, director of Russia’s Institute of Medical and Biological Problems, female cosmonauts are being banned from future mission set for between 2015 and 2020 because they “would increase the ‘probability of conflicts’.”

A “serene” crew of four or five men will be chosen instead.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with comments, election forecasts and Tracy Emin remarks.