TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 22

Just another ordinary day - we've even got the usual body in a freezer...

Bono is not a fan of dry air. According to this morning’s Sun the U2 frontman blamed British Airways’ dry air for ruining his voice. “I’m sorry that my voice is so shite but it’s all down to British Airways,” he explained during a rehearsal for last night’s Grammys. “They didn’t have a humidifier and it’s torn my voice to shreds.”

This of course now explains why Bono lives in a big damp hole, deep under ground. Like The Hobbit.

No such attention to subtle climatic changes for A1’s Paul Marazzi. The Sun reports that before topping charts Paul lived in Spain, making his living as a film-maker. The young, entrepreneurial would-be Spielberg filmed strippers at a club in Benidorm, then sold punters the tapes at the exit.

mimed during their stage debut. They also carry news of audience surprise.

Elsewhere, Posh Spice is to have a range of footwear named after her. The Victoria boots will cost #395 a pair. The Star beat everyone to the ‘Posh In Boots’ headline.

Meanwhile, The Mirror reports that Noel’s ex Meg Matthews has called a halt to her partying. Apparently things came to a head while she was in Thailand during January. “After an enormous bender Meg shocked fellow vacationers by getting to know an Australian on the beach. And we mean ‘know’ in the biblical sense,” the 3am girls gleefully report. “It was the sex on the beach that did it,” they insist, in case you may have missed that the first time. They also report, and this is true, that popular impressionist Rory Bremner was spotted on London’s Harley Street “eating apples”.

Finally, The Daily Express are beginning to big up the ‘life-after-death’ tip. They carry a two-page exploration into whether or not the Horizon Research scientists really have discovered the door to the great beyond. They also carry details of Jung’s “vision of beyond.” Someone send it to Eminem quick. Oh my god, they’ve killed ‘Stan’…

And to wrap up, a cautionary tale. You’re 27, single, you meet the woman of your dreams over the Internet. She’s in America, but that’s all right, you chat all the time and you’ve seen her picture (she’s a bit tasty). So you give up your life in England and journey to wed your love. But when you get to America, you discover that she’s a 20 stone 65-year-old who keeps a man’s body in her freezer.

If you are Trevor Tasker from Selby in North Yorkshire, this is your story. Seems Trevor’s ‘love’ Wynema Shumate posted a 35-year-old picture. And poor Trevor bought it. And the body in the freezer? According to The Star it was her 70 year-old former lover. When he died of natural causes, she put him into deep freeze to allow her to keep withdrawing cash from his bank account.

Bizarrely, when Trevor arrived and discovered the truth, he decided to stay because he fancied a holiday.