Plus - Manchester United players' love of arthouse cinema discovered, a mentalist nicks money from a monkey sanctuary to follow Cliff Richard and Daniel O'Donnell, and a Bob Geldof update...

Becks has intervened.

The Sun (September

19) reports that in a bid to boost the flagging sales of his wife

Posh’s single, he has urged friends to buy copies.

Posh, real name Posh Spice, has gone head to

head with Antipodean Pixie dwarf woman lady-girl Kylie

Minogue, better known as Kylie, in a race for the coveted

top Number One spot in the nation’s chart of best selling singles but not albums.

Little Kylie,

who is actually 6′ 2” but wears low shoes in order to promote her sexy image, is

currently 828,000 sales ahead of Posh, who used to play midfield

for Spurs but left because her manager, Glam

Hoddle, didn’t like her. Tabloid

Hell has been presented with a tape-recording of a conversation that never

happened between Becks and his Manchester

United midfield general and guru Roy Keane. “The thing

is Roy, I feel as disengaged by these fatuous ‘chart battles’ as

the next man. It does not take a sophisticated thinker to realise that the

battles are nothing more than a cynical ploy dreamed up by industry bosses to

inflate interest, promote sales and boost flagging revenues. I don’t even like

the records – I’m more of a Sibelius man myself, even a little

Shoshtakovich – but I have to support Victoria.

Listen, could you and the rest of the boys maybe buy a couple of singles, boost

sales a little, that sort of thing. I’ll get you a couple of tickets to that

Jean-Luc Godard retrospective about to open at the

NFT. Go on…”

Elsewhere, Cliff Richard and

Daniel O’Donnell have become embroiled with some monkeys and a

troublesome fan. According to The Sun, Sara-Jane

Samways, a mentalist, stole £50,000 from the monkey sanctuary

where she worked to follow the pair of louche lounge lizards around on tours. She

also filled her Bournemouth home with scarves and T-shirts of

the two. While Tabloid Hell has been

unable to contact either Mr Richard or the other one, a

different fan of the pair was livid when she heard the news. “Well, that’s just

bloody typical. I bet she’s not really a Cliff fan – I’m a

Cliff fan. It’s the Daniel fans who are

blinking well touched. They follow him every blinking where. He even invites them

round for tea in his house. They’d go every night on a ten-month tour and even

try to bring him along for their novenas and rosaries. There’s a woman from

Castlerock who swears he cured her legs by singing at them. She

had been due to go to Lourdes but used the money saved to follow

him around on tour. Cliff fans aren’t like that. I never go to

see him more than once a week, maybe twice during the holidays. And I’d never

blinking well ring him anymore. I’m 63, you know.”

The Mirror’s Ever

Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Bob Geldof seen

buying a book in the kids section of a bookshop along with his young daughter.

Yesterday, they revealed that Geldof ate lunch in restaurant.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click

here for free sandwiches.