TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 31 2001

Plus - Big-breasted model attacks Posh Spice, BBMak buy crystals and two blokes take road rage to extremes...

Brian thinks The Queen dresses like a big sweet.

According to the Daily Star (August 30), the Westlife drummer told the current Monarch that she looked like “a Quality Street wrapper” when he met her at a Royal Variety Performance last year. “And you look like you’ve enjoyed a few sweets yourself, lard boy,” Elizabeth II is rumoured to have retorted. The quips embarrassed all around, but not the two involved. Aides to both camps tell Tabloid Hell that far from rubbing each other up the wrong way, the two were sending sparks of sexually generated tension towards each other and “openly flirting in a bloody rude way”.

Bryan, who is about to become a father to a baby, even though the baby is not yet born, is said to be smitten by Her Royal Highness. “He carries this wee snowstorm of Buckingham Palace with him everywhere he goes,” a Westlife insider might suggest, “He just sits and shakes it and stares at it and smiles all the bloody time. And then she’ll send text-messages – ‘I luv u’, ‘ur my cudly corgi’; his phone never stops bloody bleepin’. Prince Philip has turned a blind eye, I’ve heard, because The Queen has been in these sort of relationships before. It got really messy with Howard Donald from Take That.”

is understood to be upset by the remark and will now probably decide not to release any more singles or do any promotion ever. And she’s not going to play football again.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Alan Bennett, a fine actor, was seen at a train station in London. The Daily Star’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls with lighter hair who use the same page template for their column as The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls do not let such an exclusive go unmissed. They reveal that BBMak were seen buying crystals.

Finally, two motorists in Manila are recovering in hospital after a duel over a disputed parking space. The two men decided to fight when one attempted to take a place that the other was holding for someone else.

They stopped when both men realised they were seriously injured and feeling a little faint.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here to share the dream or arrange a duel.