TABLOID HELL – 24 OCTOBER 2001

Plus - is H from Steps really H from Steps and some TV actors and actresses get pissed...

Westlife‘s Kian Egan is set to defy ancient laws of physics and matter.

The Daily Star (October 25) reports that Kian, lead guitarist and chief reportage photographer with the band, has spotted a rare, if not unique, gravitational phenomenon occurring in his hometown of Sligo. “Sligo can be crazy with people falling out of the pubs,” Kian says.

So worried is Kian coming a cropper in the town, that he has hired a minder to help himself stand up straight. “The reason I have had to this is because I am such a great position with the band,” says Kian even though he is not in a great position because he used to sit down all the time with Westlife until they started to stand up and move about, except Bryan, who stole a march on everyone by lying down and smiling happily.

‘s just brilliant, by the way.”

Elsewhere, H from Steps is going to extraordinary lengths to conceal his real identity. As previously revealed in Tabloid Hell, H from Steps is actually a covert operative with special counter-intelligence skills and his knowledge of the terrain in southern Afghanistan, particularly of mountainous ground south of Kabul, has proved an invaluable aid to the allied forces. However, H from Steps, currently growing a beard, tells The Sun that he and the rest of his Steps mates, many of whom are unaware of his true identity, are “like all-singing, all-dancing Butlins entertainers.” “His heroism truly knows no bounds,” a minister of the Unitarian faith says. “When he was in the gulf ‘entertaining’ the troops, he spent hours and hours locked in a tent with Special Forces chiefs plotting future incursions. And then he took to the stage to sing ‘Tragedy’ like some sort of camp Mr Bojangles. He’s a fucking wonder that one.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that several actors and actresses on British television shows went to a party after an awards ceremony for actors and actresses on British television shows and had some drink.

Click here Tabloidhell@nme.com for balloons, or click here and scroll down for a funny picture of Jarvis Cocker.

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