TABLOID HELL – JULY 13 2001

Plus - Hear'say's Kiwi delight, Mel B driving a car in Londonand a 101-year-old is a star of track and field...

The US is off.

Cancelled. No more. Gone. Westlife say so.

“As far as we are concerned, the US is off,” the band’s Svengali-like manager and Svenagli Louis Walsh tells this morning’s Sun (July 13). While it may be reported that Westlife have cancelled plans to launch an assault on the US charts, focusing instead on the UK and Europe where they feel comfortable and enjoy selling records, Tabloid Hell has learned some rather startling information. The US is really about to shut. It seems big bouncy Bryan McFadden stumbled across the news while enjoying a quiet pint in a bar in Galway. Chewing the fat with regulars, he gazed out the window towards the Atlantic and said: “You know fellas, we’re about to launch an assault on the US charts rather than focusing instead on the UK and Europe where we feel comfortable and enjoy selling records.” A man sitting a couple of tables away moved towards Bryan and without identifying himself said simply: “You can’t. As of August 22, America is pulling down the shutters and ceasing all business. After AJ from the Backstreet Boys went into rehab, a number of power players got together and realised that the dream had died. Without that five-piece’s peculiar, and a bit awkward, monster-pop thrust, there is no point continuing. The nation would be spiritually bereft and would have no chance of easing the financial burden of a multi-trillion dollar balance of trade deficit. We’re going to strip down the assets – Statue Of Liberty, Golden Gate Bridge, Mount Rushmore, that sort of thing – and sell them to wealthy Scandinavian ship builders.”

thinks. “What with America stopping doing all the American stuff they do and the French eating frogs and everything, we thought New Zealand was brilliant. And it is. So cheers New Zealand. Thanks to all our fans there. They’re really brilliant.”

The Star today reveals that Robbie Williams, who Tabloid Hell believes hasn’t been notified about America’s decision just yet, visited his London home yesterday to check up on renovations. Fancy.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Mel B was spotted driving a car down a London street. They also run with a revealing expose of U2 on the road, with the reality of life with Bono and the boys genuinely recorded for the first time. As if.

Finally, a 101-year-old has set a new record for running the 1500 metres. Les Amey won the 100 years-and-over category at the World Veterans Games in Brisbane. According to ananova.com, he completed the race in 19 minutes, 59 seconds.

“I would have been pleased if the doctor pulled me off in the second lap,” Les said. “I think perhaps I went out a little too hard at the beginning but after the second lap I was all right and could have done more.”

Les was beaten by three sprightly 85-year-olds in the same race, but as, rather unsurprisingly, he was the only competitor in his age range, he scooped gold.

Tabloid Hell is heading off on holiday for two weeks and will be replaced by an imposter bearing the same name. Or click here for the messageboard.

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