TABLOID HELL – NOVEMBER 19 2001

Plus - A stupid conspiracy theory, problems with Kylie's pants and one of the 3am Girls leaves...

Whitney Houston has been digitally enhanced.

The star was thought to be too thin when she appeared at a recent television special for top selling artist and man Michael Jackson. According to The Daily Star (November 19), special effects were used to bulk up her figure. The news will come as a dramatic shock for those who trusted both the integrity of Whitney and of television.

“I’m reeling,” said an integrity spokesperson. “Whitney has never pulled a stunt like this before. Her stock has fallen round here, let me tell you. When she sang that Kevin Costner song, we all knew she’d always be full of love. That fell through because Kevin was unable to commit and that’s all right. As a secret service agent masquerading as an actor he could never give himself completely. He would always be getting pulled off somewhere. But now, I don’t know where to look. And obviously television is out. I know The Simpsons aren’t real, but what if someone comes along and says that Cheers! wasn’t set in a real bar. Or if Bill Cosby isn’t really a doctor. And what if some of the stuff we’ve seen in films hasn’t happened. Imagine if Star Wars was all made up. Or if ET was some big government plot. They’re all fucking laughing at us. And Houston ‘s in on the gag. Incredible. Fucking incredible.”

reports that watchdogs feel her advert for some lingerie should be for over-18s only. In the ads Kylie, who is small, is seen being provocative in a way that may suggest she wants to have sex with everybody, which in reality she probably does not because she has a boyfriend and isn’t into two-timing.

“Kylie’s a funny wee lass,” a spokesperson for the waterboard said. “My son’s a big fan, I think. I’m sure he’d love to see her acting a bit tasty. I’m sure he’d love a night out with her. He goes to the bowling place on a Friday, but his mother likes him in around 11 because he has a Saturday job in the storeroom of the local shoe shop. I don’t think she’d like him seeing Kylie because she’s quite a bit older than him. I think Kylie in underwear sends out the wrong sort of message, really. It says that no matter how successful you are, you won’t be able to buy a nice frock. Is that what we’re fighting for? You won’t catch Whitney Houston in her underwear.”

The Mirror’s three girl have announced today that they are going to be two in future.

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