TABLOID HELL - MARCH 23

Top tabloid tale of the week has got to be Ocean Colour Scene's codger-dodging antics. The Star reveals that the Brummie rockers are being pursued by randy, wobbly old ladies. Steve Cradock says: "We have a number of old women who take their clothes off in front of us when we're in the bar... It's always a bit distressing seeing that. But I refused to get involved. In fact, I went to bed as soon as one of them got her tits out because that's just wrong."

Geri Halliwell's bellybutton glares out from the front page of most of the tabloids today - except the Daily Mail, who have Geri avec pooch, who doesn't look like he'd give the burglars who trashed her flat this week much of a struggle. She tells The Mirror's ever-vigilant 3am Girls that she felt violated by the burglary and can't return to the flat in London's trendy Notting Hill.

"Knockout Geri's reigning men" hollers The Star, with pics from her boxing-ring photo-shoot for gay men's mag Attitude and a story declaring that she "is considering becoming a lesbian". We are told "the former Spice has for the first time backed up her Girl Power beliefs by revealing that her sexual preferences might be changing". She says: "I was entertaining the idea of becoming a lesbian a couple of months ago." At the same time, she's thinking of starting a family. Is that a turkey baster we spy in the background, then?

The Sun calls into question her "amazing" new figure - she's demonstrating "the crab" in their centre spread, with alarming shots of jutting hip-bones and a toast-rack ribcage.



At the other extreme, The Mirror yells "Noel - I was a 15-stone Blobstar" with a photo of the Hear'say singer when he was 18 and on a trip with a Welsh choir to the US. It also reveals that the group are having to rearrange their dance routines to accommodate his injured knee, which happened when he tripped over a manhole cover. While stuffing his face with pies. Probably.

Shaz and Mel have been offered £2 million to dish the dirt on their All Saints foes the Appleton sisters, The Mirror says. Back in celeb-stuffed Notting Hill, Zoe'n'Norm turned out for the wedding of The Chemical Brothers' Tom Rowlands and girlfriend Vanessa Rand at The Cow pub. Capital Radio DJ Neil "Dr" Fox is pining for the love of Emma Bunton, and of Billie Piper and Chris Evans were spotted cuddling in London's sleazy Soho.

The Sun reveals *N Sync heartthrob Justin Timberlake is in negotiations to appear in a hip hop remake of 'The Wizard Of Oz', alongside Little Richard, who will play the Wizard. S Club 7 beauty Rachel Stevens is back with actor boyfriend Jeremy Edwards and Myleene Klass from Hear'say's CV and application photo for a girl band in 1998 are exposed in the Bizarre column. Natalie Appleton "just loves knives" according to a pal, who also speculates that the knife tattoo on her back could be a "coded message" about life in the music industry.

Mr Posh David Beckham has begged England football fans to lay off his Spice wife Victoria and baby Brooklyn when he captains the team at tomorrow's World Cup qualifier match against Finland. Taunts from the football yobs have included saying that they hope the baby dies of cancer and rude comments about Victoria's sexual preferences.

Ocean Colour Scene tickets: