Plus - Dane Bowers tries to pull George Clooney's woman, Dido's a bloke and Hugh Grant plays golf. In a golf club...

Ronan's chest hair scares Americans.

So terrifying is his sprout that rather than run the risk of damaging his career, his record company in the US have had it removed. The Sun reveals today (June 8) that on the cover of his forthcoming American single Mr Keating's trademark growth has been airbrushed out to leave a smooth finish.

"We want him to look friendly," a company insider explains, keen to move attention away from the music.

It is in reality a smart move for Ronan. Americans do not have chest hair, not even some of the women. It is generally accepted within the industry that Robbie Williams has seen Stateside success elude him because 'he looks kinda hirsute' while congressional hearings and high-powered meetings between immigration officials and federal agents are ongoing attempting to discover just how Liam and Noel got into the country. Damon Albarn has, of course, taken matters to an extraordinary length by going bald in a futile attempt to make Blur massive.

Meanwhile food loving Dane Bowers is set to be 'asked outside' by George Clooney. According to the The Star, the roly-poly R&B-lite gurner made a play for big George's bird Lisa Snowdon at the Dancestar Awards earlier this week. He "couldn't take his eyes or his hands off the stunning Brit model." George is no doubt shitting himself. While he is one of a only a few genuine stars in Hollywood at present, instantly recognisable to billions around the planet and earning at least £10 million a movie, Dane has had a couple of Top 20 singles about how his ex-girlfriends get on his nerves. And he is only 3' 7''.

The Spanish seem to have the measure of Dido. They have revealed that the Eminem chum is, in fact, a man.

According to Rhonda magazine, Dido "has already sold seven million copies of his first album 'No Angel'" and "recently concluded his European tour which saw all his concerts packed out". However, he/she is not thought to have chest-hair. While earlier this week we found out he was in a bar having a drink, today we learn he played golf. And then, bizarrely, had lunch at the golf club.

Finally, Tabloid Hell thanks readers for information on how you voted during yesterday's general election. However, the exit poll results proved misleading.

Had the country as a whole followed the Tabloid Hell readers lead, the UK would now be looking at a coalition government split between the Lib Dems, Socialist Alliance and the Green Party. So the reins of power would be handed to a power-sharing executive made up of moralistic crusties unable to make up their minds over whether to plant more trees or have cous cous and soya milk for tea.

Sweet Jesus.

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