October 23, 2001 9:02

TABLOID HELL - 23 OCTOBER 2001

Plus - NME.COM protests, Elton and Mick hole up together and Natalie Imbruglia plans a return home...

You're never going to see SAMANTHA MUMBA's 'bumba'.

Irish teen sexpot Samantha Mumba has revealed she won't be revealing all for Playboy. The Mirror reports that the siren's mum would be "absolutely horrified" if her ickle daughter posed butt naked for a top-shelf publication. What a lame excuse, Mumba. Your mum's seen it all before. It won't worry her. Spare a thought for all of us outside the Mumba family who've yet to experience the delights that God foisted upon your flesh and stop being such a bloody selfish prude.

's dressing room. Insert your own 'adult human being with hole escapes clutches of randy, wrinkly, ageing pin up boy for the over-70s Aga set' here.

Natalie Imbruglia is thinking of moving back to her native Australia, The Mirror reports. The cute-as-a-button singer bleated: "I love Australia. I miss it. I went back there to do the Australian Music Awards and I was thinking about moving back in a year or so." A year or so? Her comeback single, 'That Day', is out next week and has sod all chance of raising Nats the bus fare to Heathrow, let alone the price of an airline ticket to the other side of the world. Even if Nats did get back home, the clever money's on her not being required for the Australian Music Awards next year. The only chance of getting home she's got is to go on a shoplifting spree in her local shopping mall and beg for a deportation order.

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