TELL ME WHAT MAKES A MAN...

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TELL ME WHAT MAKES A MAN...
Bryan and Kerry are finally getting wed. The pair of pop heavyweights who had a baby recently, some nine months after Kerry became pregnant with the soon-to-be baby, will 'tie the knot' at the huge Slane Castle complex early in January, according to The Sun.

Bryan, the saxophonist with top-selling ska rockers Westlife, and Kerry, who was once a singer and dancer with the so-called Atomic Kitten before she gave it up to buy a house, are going to invite an array of friends and family to the 80,000 capacity estate. Not only will the rest of Westlife be there, very probably standing up and at times walking, if not strolling or maybe just shuffling leisurely like happy big fellas, but other people connected with the pair will also appear.

"It's going to be lovely but it might be a bit cold," a farmer says. "It can get chilly in those parts during January, and also a mite damp. Even though the land around the castle dips into a hollow, forming a natural amphitheatre perfect for large outdoor concerts and rock events, such as the recent two night residency by popular four-piece U2, just over the brow of the hill there is a layer of permafrost about two inches into the soil, making it tough to both walk and also work the earth. If Bryan wants to celebrate his union in the traditional Slane way of ploughing a field in a physical and also metaphysical demonstration of how hard he intends to work to keep his union strong, he's going to find it bloody hard, I can tell you. He might be a top-rated multi-instrumentalist but that cuts no ice around these parts - if you see what I mean."

Also in The Sun is a report that top-rated Hollywood actress Minnie Driver, who is sometimes mistakenly called Minnie Diver, which for some reason is funnier, has been canoodling with famed rocker Mick Jagger, who loves being a ladies' man, which he is. Miss Diver is younger than Jagger, who at a more advanced age is much older than she is.

The Mirror's Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls report that Faye Tozer, of death metal supergroup Steps, flashed both of each of her breasts at the Evergreen Peter Pan Prince Of Pop Cliff Sir Cliff Richard during a television programme that was being recorded at the time. They also reveal that former television game show host Nicholas Parsons, who was never really famous even when he was famous, was spotted driving in a car.


Email TabloidHell@nme.com for a land of milk and honey, and also love.

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