TABLOID HELL - MAY 10 2001

Plus, trouble at the Britney museum, Fatboy Slim's scruffiness proves his undoing and Emma Bunton buys some new clothes. Hopefully, ones that cover that canyon-esque cleavage...

TABLOID HELL - MAY 10 2001
The Eagles are to blame for the international crisis between the US and China.

According to The Star, the 24 airmen in the American spy-plane which crashed in China last month were made to prove their nationality by quoting lyrics from 'Hotel California'. Seems their captors felt "the song symbolised America". So taken were the Chinese with the singing voices that they held the crew for 11 days.

Tabloid Hell hopes that if a similar incident flared-up involving a British air-crew, demands would be made to quote Rod Stewart's 'Sailing'. Or 'Band On The Run' by Wings. Or Jethro Tull's 'Lick Your Fingers Clean' from their 1971 breakthrough 'Aqualung'.

The Star also reveals that the Britney Spears museum in her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana may not be the attraction its bosses had planned. It is alleged that Ms Spears has reneged on a promise to send over bundles of childhood memorabilia. In fact, says Hazil Morris from the museum, "absolutely nothing has materialised".

The Sun today concentrates on the Cannes Film Festival. Aside from pictures of Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor, who "set tongues wagging by... sharing a cigarette and whispering to each other", we learn that scruffy DJ Fatboy Slim, who ironically is becoming quite fat but has a slim head, was barred from entrance to the premiere of 'Moulin Rouge' because he wasn't wearing a tie. He raced off to get one, which given the stellar Cannes prices cost him about £130,000, while wife Zoe Ball hung around outside awaiting his return.

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The Mirror's Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls, meanwhile, carry a picture of Rod Stewart's girlfriend Penny Lancaster. The "leggy" blonde is seen dancing. In a nightclub. They also reveal that Cleavage Spice Emma was spotting getting out of her car and "nipping" into a clothes shop on Hampstead High Street. Emma is believed to like wearing clothes.

The incredible shrinking woman does not feature in any of the red tops. Tabloid Hell trusts that a public enquiry is underway.

Finally, there is life on Mars. An image captured by Mars Global Surveyor, one of 65,000 taken on a recent trip to the red planet, clearly shows a face cut into in the Martian surface.

"We believe this compelling evidence proves Mars was once inhabited by an intelligent civilisation. This is a bombshell finding. This could be one of the most important discoveries in the history of human civilisation," says a rather excited Brian O'Leary, an ex-Apollo astronaut and fan of extra-terrestrials.

Sadly Nasa don't share his fervour. The say the face was more than a mile across and was just a fluke of the shape of the planet surface.

"Nasa doesn't put any credibility in our findings," says O'Leary, dejectedly.

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