As much as YouTube is home to hours of horizon-expanding entertainment, stray into the comments section and you’ll find it’s also full of some of the weirdest, most twisted thinking this planet has to offer. Brace yourself as we run through the 16 most infuriating types of comments you always find below music videos, beginning with this absolute gem of a BASELESS CONSPIRACY THEORY.
Or you can kick it up a notch by leaving a DETAIL-TRAWLING CONSPIRACY THEORY. Because if Jay Z was in the illuminati, he’d definitely leave clues in his music videos confessing all, sure.
Then there’s the MINDNUMBINGLY POINTLESS PIECE OF INFORMATION – a comment of such radical banality and narcissism staring at it for too long can actually result in accidental lobotomy. As you can see, it’s all kicking off in the comments for ‘Hotel California’.
Next up there’s the WHINEY FAN ADVICE – typically found on videos of bands with the cheek to venture into new musical territory instead of ceaseless coughing up clones of their early breakthrough single. The fucking cheek, eh? WHo do you think you are Thom Yorke, you snakey bastard? “FFS” indeed.
Who wants to break it to this guy that a) the lyric is actually “excuse me while I kiss the sky” and b) he’s a borderline-homophobic moron? Ladies and gentleman, I give to you the IDIOT MISINTERPRETING THINGS.
Sure Kanye’s good, but is he as good MC FunkFucker Xtreme? I don’t know about you, but I’m not gonna bother Googling to find out, as he so courteously invites me to. Everyone, meet a common YouTube comment type – BORING, BLATANT SELF-PROMOTION.
Anyone for a bit of LIGHT RELIGIOUS PROPAGANDA?
…no? Well, how about some HEAVY DUTY RELIGIOUS PROPAGHANDA instead? This is the work of a zealous maniac who probably lives in a shack and sacrifices squirrels to his pagan overlords between shifts working at his local post office. Brrr.
Oh you would, would you? If I see Rihanna, I’ll be sure to let her know. Introducing a particularly odious type of YouTube comment, LEERY TEENAGE BOY SPEAK! Urgghh.
Don’t forget the I-WAS-THERE-FIRST BRAGGING. “Suck it”, everyone.
Click on any Taylor Swift or One Direction video and get ready for a slew of this type of comment – THE BREATHLESS FANGIRL WORD VOMIT. If I were Taylor, I’d double-bolt the door of my house every night.
“Hey everyone, just stopping by to tell you all your favourite band sucks because I have nothing better to do!” This is what they call in the business (okay, we’re calling it) classic ANGRY TROLL BILE.
Sorry this intrepid commentor had to break it to you like this Ezra, but Vampire Weekend are “no Journey”. Write more songs like ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ and maybe you’ll get less of this sort of YouTube comment – the CLASSIC ROCK SNEER.
Then there’s the sort of comment by people perpetually outraged that any band could be influenced by another. The Verve’s ‘Bittersweet Symphony’ apparently borrowed from the Rolling Stones too heavily for one commentor who let loose this classic – THE RIP-OFF ACCUSATION.
Stuck for a comment to add? No problem. When in doubt – SAY THE NAME OF THE ARTIST YOU’RE LISTENING TO IN CAPITAL LETTERS WITH TONNES OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, our personal favourite – the PERSONAL MESSAGE TO THE ARTIST. Do people really think YouTube is some kind of email inbox for their favourite acts? That said, if you’re reading this Avicii and ever in the London Bridge area, there’s a pretty good burger place round the corner from NME HQ…