Bruno Mars – ‘The Lazy Song’. Why? Oh yes Bruno you can sit at home all day with your hand down your pants, just please don’t make us listen to a song about it, written in the style of a Lilt advert from 1995.
Florence & The Machine – ‘You’ve Got The Love’. Why? As much as we love The Flo, by the time we’d heard it soundtracking every goal on ‘Match Of The Day’, every Julia Roberts movie trailer and ‘You Got The Dirtee Love’ the, um, love had gone.
Doop – ‘Doop’. Why? Jive Bunny-types defiling the corpse of the Charleston with cheap rave horns and a heart attack-inducing BPM.
Alvin & The Chipmunks – ‘I Like To Move It’. Why? Reel2Reel’s hit sped up and sung by the cuddly animated critters. Loved by toddlers but may be the moment when a parent seriously considers ‘doing a Reggie Perrin’.
Des’ree – ‘Life’. Why? The pinnacle of late 20th century lyric writing. Who could forget the cutesy, homespun genius of such classic lines as “I don’t want to see a ghost…I’d rather have a piece of toast,” or “I’ll take you up on a dare/Anytime, anywhere/ Name the place, I’ll be there/ Bungee jumping, I don’t care.” Pam Ayers was, like, totally jealz.
Maroon 5 – ‘Moves Like Jagger’. Why? The song that plays in the urinals in Croydon’s ‘All Bar One’ as you can hear the sound of faint weeping coming from the cubicle over the disco-y bassline.
Scouting For Girls – ‘She’s So Lovely’. Why? Truly this musical monolith has soundtracked our world. By “world” we mean several car insurance ads, a WeightWatchers campaign and every time Lulu is on ‘Loose Women’.
Natasha Beddingfield- ‘These Words’. Why? A post-Alanis slab of jarring self analysis from the woman who is one deal away from soundtracking the film adaptation of a Freya North novel. Come back Daniel, all is forgiven.
Red Hot Chili Peppers – ‘Suck My Kiss’. Why? The sound of board shorts crushing dreams.
Olly Murs – ‘Please Don’t Let Me Go’. Why? “So focus group, what do we think Olly’s “sound” should be?”
“What does a Cheeky Chappie sound like?”
“Errrr…think more; ‘CBeebies Presenter'”
“Clinical, soppy reggae?”
Nero – ‘Crush On You’ Why? The sound of Pendulum’s personalised jet crashing into Pascha. Repeatedly.
Flo Rida – ‘Right Round’. Why? Pop’s own rent-a-rap teams up with Ke$ha to create a version of ‘Dead Or Alive’ that’s as dull as it is annoying with a capital ‘A’.
The Muppets – ‘Mahna Mahna’.Why? A sonic earworm of the worst kind. If it is your ringtone you are probably secretly a serial killer.
LMFAO – ‘Party Rock Anthem’. Why? So bad that you’re sure Will.i.am is lurking behind the decks on this one.
Limp Bizkit – ‘Rollin”. Why? The point where Nu-Metal crossed over. Was also around the same time that we decided to migrate to Australia. COINCIDENCE?
Train – ‘Drops Of Jupiter’. Why? The type of song that plays in that Disney television movie (starring Selena Gomez) featuring the voice-over: “That was the summer when everything changed.”
Cher Lloyd – ‘Swagger Jagger’. Why? Had the potential to be an amazing popstar and then released this frankly godawful J-pop castoff which took its inspiration from ‘Little Donkey’.
Fat Les – ‘Vindaloo’. Why? How to re-new the ‘football song’ franchise? Make it sound like a hooligan chant!
Ed Sheeran – ‘The A Team’. Why? Like being lectured at the Student Union by a member of the rowing team.
Dido – ‘Thank You’. Dido’s lyrics read like the dullest, stating-the-obvious tweets ever: “I missed the bus”, “Push the door I’m home at last!”. It doesn’t help that she sings them in that about-to-nod-off-into-my-cereal voice of hers.
Michael Jackson – ‘Earth Song’. Why? “What about elephants? Have we lost their trust?” ponders MJ in this moment of multi-millionaire-looking-out-of-his-Lear-Jet-but-trying-to-sing-about-the-issues environmental sincerity. We say: “Team Jarvis all the way!”
Crazy Frog – ‘Axel F’. Why? Created by Swede Erik Wernquist (who we imagine lives in an evil castle not dissimilar to Gargamel’s with crows circling overhead) ‘Axel F’ was the Annoying Song’s Year Zero. And the only thing people complained about at the time was the penis? COME ON!
The Cranberries – ‘Zombie’. Why? Dolores O’Riordan does her shrieking do-gooder thing on this heinous “anthem”.
Black Eyed Peas – ‘My Humps’. Why? Obviously a psychologist would have a field day with will.i.am’s lyrics (“lovely lady lumps” anyone?) and the fact Fergie hates her sex so much she’ll willing to trot out the demeaning words. Aside from that, it’s all terribly annoying.
B*witched – ‘C’est La Vie’. Why? Is it the perma-smiling lyrics (“WHAT ARE YOU LOIKE?!“), the sub-‘Riverdance’ fiddle or the star instead of a letter in their name that makes this so risible? Oh, hang on, it’s all of the above.