With help from our users, we’ve compiled a list music-related gags for your amusement. Starting with… My laptop’s fucked. It keeps playing ‘Chasing Pavements’ on a loop. Think it’s a Dell.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He’s never going to give you Up.
Worst Christmas present ever: a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
Q: Why couldn’t Anthony Kiedis get his DVD player to work? A: He had a scart issue (via @HackneyTim).
Q: Did you hear Sophie Ellis Bextor died at the home of a footballer? A: People are saying it was murder on Zidane’s floor (via @fongchau).
What’s the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. (via @jamiewolpert)
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A: Look for the fresh prints.
Q: Why did George Michael have chocolate all over his balls? A: He was careless with his Wispa.
Q: What’s the first sign of madness? A: Suggs walking up your driveway.
I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That’s me in the Korma.
Me: “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” Kenneth: “Everybody Hz.”
Q: What do you call a dog with two cocks? A: N-Dubz.
Q: Why did KT Tunstall fall over unexpectedly? A: It was suddenly icy (via @garydunion).
What do The Smiths have for breakfast? I don’t know, but Johnny Marr might. (via @AdamZapple1).
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees. I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face (via @LouiseKPhillips).
Two Beach Boys walk into a bar. “Round?” “Round.” “Get a round?” “I’ll get a round!” (via @Davebyard).
Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off? A: Limp Bizkit.
Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage? A: He was too close to The Edge.
Q: How come U2 still haven’t found what they’re looking for? A: Because the streets have no names.
Q: What’s the difference between God and Bono? A: God doesn’t walk round Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
U2 are playing Live Aid. Inbetween songs Bono starts clapping solemnly, pronouncing “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa starves to death”. A bloke in the audience shouts: “Stop fucking clapping then!”
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? A: Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Razorlight’s Andy Burrows walks into a bar. Barman says: ‘Why the long face?’
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo’ drizzle.
Q: What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with? A: Blee-aach.
Q: What does Snoop use to wash his car? A: His ho’s.
Q: What is Snoop Dogg’s favorite tool? A: Da chisel.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage was bound to fail. They had career differences. He didn’t have one.
How many indie hipsters does it take to change a lighbulb? It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it. (via @delkirbio).
What do vegetarians order at a soul food restaurant? The Ike and Tina Tuna. (via @simplynorris).
Q: What do hip-hop muscians put on their cuts and grazes ? A: Ghetto plasters (via @BMWavesblog).
Did you hear William Shatner once married Stevie Nicks? She changed her name to Stevie Shatner-Nicks (via @lankeymarlon).
Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and James Brown? A: Ferguson is playing Giggs this year (via @jonmcclure)
What do you get when you mix stadium rock with indie rock? Freddie Mercury Rev. (via @simplynorris).
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to do it and one to look bored (via @renodakota).
What do you get when you mix power pop with hip hop? Fountains of Lil’ Wayne. (via @simplynorris)
Q: What do you call an overweight computer? A: A Dell.
Michael Jackson asked his wife’s doctor how soon after the birth he could have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the child was at least 12.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he’ll have no choice but to make him a priest.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz II Men? A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: How does Bob Marley like his donuts? A: Wi’ jam in.
Q: How can you tell a drummer’s at the door?A: He doesn’t know when to come in.
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality.
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer.
Q: How can you tell when the drum riser is level? A: Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
Why hasn’t Stevie Wonder written a hit in years? He dropped his pencil.
Q: How does Beyonce deal with constipation? A: She ‘Work It Out’.
Arnie is invited to a famous composers’ fancy dress party. When asked who he is going as, he replies: “I’ll be Bach.” (via @yeahitsjames).
Q: Why couldn’t Beethoven find his teacher? A: ‘Cause he was Haydn.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas. Said it was the best book he’d ever read.