1Razorlight peform at the fourth Vodaphone TBA gig in Brighton
“I met a girl. She asked me my name. I told her what it was.” (Razorlight, ‘Somewhere Else’). Oh come on, you can do better than that. Pic: PA Photos
2Music – Nirvana Feature
“What else could I say? Everyone is gay.” (Nirvana, ‘All Apologies’). If this were true, we’d have a bit of a problem on our hands as a species. Pic: PA Photos
3The Killers
“I’m down on my knees, searching for the answer… Are we human or are we dancer?” (The Killers, ‘Human’). Whatever the answer is, I doubt you’ll find it on the floor, as if it was a contact lens. Pic: PA Photos
4MTV TRL KISS
“Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.” (Kiss, ‘Burn Bitch Burn’). That’s fine, as long as you put it in gently – you don’t want your ‘log’ spitting everywhere. Pic: PA Photos
5REPORTERS Jon Bon Jovi concert in Amsterdam
“I’m a devil on the run, a six-gun lover.” (Jon Bon Jovi, ‘Blaze Of Glory’). A six-gun lover? You mean you’ve got six penises? Pic: PA Photos
6missy elliott
“Take my thong off and my ass go boom!” (Missy Elliott, ‘Work It’). I’d rather not get too close when that happens. Pic: PA Photos
7Music – The Cranberries – London
“With their tanks and their bombs, and their bombs and their guns.” (The Cranberries, ‘Zombie’). Not quite Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have A Dream’, is it? Pic: PA Photos
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“Sexuality! Your laws do not apply to me! A nuclear submarine sinks off the coast of Sweden…” (Billy Bragg, ‘Sexuality’). Ouch, what a passion killer. Pic: Ellis Parrinder
9feeder
“Get a house in Devon, drink cider from a lemon.” (Feeder, ‘Buck Rogers’). You might as well drink wine from a fax machine. Pic: PA Photos. The words in this gallery are all taken from ‘Crap Lyrics’ by Johnny Sharp, published by Portico.
10CELEB Q&A NICKELBACK
“I love your pants around your feet… You’re like my favourite damn disease.” (Nickelback, ‘Figure You Out’). Well let’s hope it’s life-threatening, you horrible, horrible man. Pic: PA Photo
11Oasis Concert
“Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky.” (Oasis, ‘Champagne Supernova’). If you were stuck in space with Liam Gallagher for company, you’d want to bury him too. Pic: PA Photos
12VARIOUS – 1975
“Tonight there’s going to be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town.” (Thin Lizzy, ‘Jailbreak’). Er… the jail, perhaps? Rex Features
13STAND ALONE PHOTO
“Young, black and famous – with money hanging out the anus.” (Puff Daddy feat. Mase, ‘Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down’). A startling boast from the artist soon to be known as ‘Oh God, not him again’. Pic: PA Photos
14Music – The Faces – Kilburn
“I fell in love with a slit-eyed lady, by the light of an eastern moon.” (Rod Stewart, ‘Every Picture Tells A Story’). How she must have loved that pet name. Pic: PA Photos
15WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON! PREMIERE
“I’ll fuck you til your dick is blue.” (Liz Phair, ‘Flower’). That might take some time. Pic: PA Photos
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“I’ll slink in when you boys are in a French knot.” (Peaches, ‘Two Guys For Every Girl’). Isn’t that some kind of sewing technique? That sounds painful.
17Shockwaves NME Awards 2005 – Hammersmith Palais
“The sea was very rough, it made me feel sick. But I like that kind of stuff, it beats arithmetic.” (New Order, ‘Slow Jam’). Will strike a chord with anyone who’s ever been faced with the dilemma of whether to throw up or do some sums. Pic: PA Photos
18America in concert – Birmingam
“In the desert you can remember your name, for there ain’t no-one for to give you no pain.” (America, ‘Horse With No Name’). A horse with no name, and a song that makes no sense. Pic: PA Photos
19Glastonbury Arthur Lee
“I feel real phoney when my name is Bill… or was that Phil?” (Love, ‘The Red Telephone’). Arthur Lee later admitted to being stoned when he penned this. Say it ain’t so! Pic: PA Photos
20COLDPLAY
“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.” (Coldplay, ‘Fix You’). Thanks for the thought Chris, but I’m not sure setting light to my bones will actually do me much good in the long run. Pic: PA Photos
21R KELLY
“Girl you look just like my car, I wanna wax it.” (R Kelly, ‘You Remind Me Of Something’). Does she really look like a car? Is she 12 feet long with alloy wheels? Pic: PA Photos
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“Let me put my love into you babe, let me cut my cake with your knife.” (AC/DC, ‘Let Me Put My Love Into You’). There’s a strict rule: never use the word ‘knife’ in a seductive context. Pic: PA Photos
23lopez jennifer 02-
“Can’t forget to stay real. To me it’s like breathing.” (Jennifer Lopez, ‘Jenny From The Block’). Breathing? Surely you could get an assistant to do that for you. Pic: PA Photos
24Kasabian
“John was a scientist, he was hooked on LSD, interested in mind control, and how the monkey held the key.” (Kasabian, ‘Cutt Off’). Brilliant! You’ve got a high-concept pitch for a prime-time TV thriller right there. Pic: Andy Whitton
25BRITAIN OBIT BARRETT
“I know a mouse and he hasn’t got a house. I don’t know why, I call him Gerald.” (Pink Floyd, ‘Bike’). Mister drug dealer, sir, I’ll have what he’s having. Pic: PA Photos
26MICK JAGGER AT KNEBWORTH
“I can see that you’re fifteen years old. No I don’t want your ID.” (The Rolling Stones, ‘Stray Cat Blues’). Weren’t the 60s wonderful? Such a gloriously innocent time. Pic: PA Photos
27Southside Festival 2008 – Germany
“You work in a shirt with your name tag on it, drifting apart like a plate tectonic.” (Kaiser Chiefs, ‘Oh My God’). Does a tectonic plate drift apart, or do tectonic plates drift apart from each other? Pic: PA Photos
28Music – The Fall
“Horseshoes splacking swallows hay-cart, cart-horse of the peasant blocking his path.” (The Fall, ‘Dktr Faustus’). Splacking? Is that a word? Pic: PA Photos
29alice cooper
“We got no principles. We ain’t got no innocence. We can’t even think of a word that rhymes.” (Alice Cooper, ‘School’s Out’). If you can’t think of a word to rhyme with ‘principles’, I’d argue you’d struggle in life once school has been ‘blown to pieces’. Pic: PA Photos
30Music – Monsters of Rock 1994 – Donington Park
“I’ll show you I’m every inch the man – measure all that you think you can.” (Extreme, ‘Naked’). He’s suggesting the appendage is of a size beyond all human understanding. Some kind of four-dimensional space penis, perhaps? Pic: PA Photos
31PRINCE
“Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat.” (Prince, ‘Superfunkycalifragisexy’). Is this some ancient tribal ritual? Pic: PA Photos
32Solid Gold TV Show
“War, was is stupid. And people are stupid.” (Culture Club, ‘The War Song’). All the thousands of years that people have fought to defend their land from invaders, they were just being ‘stupid’. Pic: PA Photos
33THE CLASH
“Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double.” (The Clash, ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go?’) So go then. Doh! Pic: Rex Features
34BOB DYLAN
“Give me some milk – or else go home.” (Bob Dylan, ‘Ballad Of A Thin Man’). Inspiring stuff. Pic: PA Photos
35Busted – Maid in Manhattan
“Not much has changed but they live underwater.” (Busted, ‘The Year 3000’). Who are we to argue, without access to their boyband tardis? Pic: PA Photos
36Music – Suede – Blackpool
“Give me head, give me head, give me head music instead.” (Suede, ‘Head Music’). Make your mind up, lover boy! Pic: PA Photos
37Music – Deep Purple – 1969
“She’s got everything – like a moving mouth, body control and everything.” (Deep Purple, ‘Highway Star’). As opposed to a body that just flaps about uncontrollably. Pic: PA Photos
38‘THE HERE AND NOW 80’S CONCERT’ HELD AT WEMBLEY ARENA IN LONDON
“All fall down, can’t complain, mustn’t grumble – help yourself to another piece of apple crumble.” (ABC, ‘That Was Then, This Is Now’). ‘Crap Lyrics’ by Johnny Sharp is out now via Portico books. Pic: PA Photos
39Gosport Music Festival
“It’s a man’s, a man’s, a man’s world. But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.” (James Brown, ‘It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World’). Thanks for that, James, but doesn’t half the world’s population get a slightly raw deal from that appraisal? Pic: PA Photos
40KIPA/WORLD MUSIC AWARDS
“I don’t want to see a ghost, it’s the sight that I fear most. I’d rather eat a piece of toast, and watch the evening news.” (Des’Ree, ‘Life’). Come on, there must be a better rhyme for ‘ghost’ than that. Pic: PA Photos
41Music – Color Me Badd Feature
“Girl you make me feel real good, we can do it til we both wake up.” (Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up’). Sleep-shagging? Crivens, is there a Channel 5 producer in the house? Pic: PA Photos
42Music – Duran Duran – 1981
“Fiery demons all dance when you walk through that door. Don’t say you’re easy on me, you’re about as easy as a nuclear war.” (Duran Duran, ‘Is There Something I Should Know?’). Pic: PA Photos
43Spandau Ballet Comeback – London
“I bought a ticket to the world but now I’ve come back again.” (Spandau Ballet, ‘True’). That’s nice. Do carry on. Pic: PA Photos
44Nokia Isle Of Wight Festival – Seaclose Park
“Late spring and you’re drifting off to sleep, with your teeth in your mouth.” (REM, ‘You Are The Everything’). You don’t say? Next you’ll be telling us you’re ‘Sitting in a chair, with my hands on the end of my arms’. Pic: PA Photos
45British Pop Music – Queen – London – 1985
“You say ‘black’ I say ‘white’. You say ‘bark’ I say ‘bite’. You say ‘shark’ I say ‘hey man ‘Jaws’ was never my scene!'” (Queen, ‘Bicycle Race’) What is this, some sort of bad-tempered word association game? Pic: PA Photos
46Music – The Jam – Brighton Centre
“You’re just another red balloon with a lot of hot gas. Why don’t you fuck off?” (The Jam, ‘Time For Truth’). No point beating around the bush, I guess. Pic: PA Photos
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“I’m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer!” (SNAP, ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’). These words will one day be inscribed on rapper Turbo B’s tombstone. Pic: Redferns
48SWITZERLAND MUSIC RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
“Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.” (Red Hot Chili Peppers, ‘Around The World’). For many more woeful couplets, pick up ‘Crap Lyrics’ by Johnny Sharp, out now via Portico. Pic: PA Photos.