Another week in the mile-a-minute world of music has passed and, as ever, it’s been educational. This week we learned, courtesy of wise, wise 00s indie sage Johnny Borrell, that you can “find out more truth by just walking down the street with a musical instrument” than reading a newspaper. Back in a bit guys, I’m off down Oxford Street with a kazoo to get the bottom of this Ukraine palava.
We also wised up to the fact that a night out at karaoke with Kasabian, whose new video ‘Eez-Eh’ has the messy debaucherous vibe of a boozy freak-out in Lucky Voice, would be a wondrous thing indeed.
Jay Z and Beyonce announced a mammoth run of American dates together this week, titled the ‘On The Run’ tour. Let’s get Kanye to babysit Blue Ivy while they’re on the road and film it for the greatest reality TV sitcom ever! It’ll be like Baby’s Day Out but with KANYE! What’s not to love?
Dr. Dre expressed an interest this week in buying NBA team the LA Clippers following owner Donald Sterling’s lifetime ban from the sport for racist remarks. Snoop Dogg, meanwhile, reacted to the scandal with trademark eloquence: “A message to the muthafucka that own the Clippers… Fuck you, your momma and everything connected to you you racist piece of shit. Fuck you.” Amen to that.
Speaking of Dre, he and Eazy-E’s children have formed a NWA tribute band called Sons of NWA, set to tour later this year. Respective children, that is. The rap pair haven’t started a family together, sadly. That we know of. What a story that’d be, huh?
One Direction are reported to be enlisting Barcelona’s Brazilian superstar Neymar for a new track, after the footballer described them as “an excellent band.” In other news, Barcelona physios have taken the player in for tests and are reviewing footage of Barcelona’s last game, suspecting he may have collided with a goal post or something, causing severe head trauma. More as we get it.
We also got wind this week that Damon Albarn thinks Blur’s ‘Country House’ and Oasis’s ‘Roll With It’ were both rubbish. “I wouldn’t worry about it,” he told a guilt-ridden Reddit user in an AMA, who revealed he shoplifted both singles. “They were both shit.” Leave the reviewing to us yeah, Damon?
Justin Bieber is reported to have enraged Rob Ford, Toronto’s (literal) crackpot mayor, by asking him for drugs in a nightclub this week. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
Paul Simon and wife Edie Brickell were arrested this week for disorderly conduct after a domestic dispute grew violent. They then released a syrupy duet together days later, titled ‘Like To Get To Know You’. Still crazy after these years, evidently.
Pete Doherty told NME this week that yes, he’s doing the Libertines’ reunion show “for the money” – but that’s “in the spirit” of the group. He could be doing it to rid a small village in Kent of an ancient voodoo gypsy curse for all we care – we’re just looking forward to losing our shit in Hyde Park this summer.
Coldplay have promoted their upcoming new album ‘Ghost Stories’ by hiding lyrics in libraries across the globe. I’d go down to my local library to search but I think I owe £3 on one of the Game of Thrones books I returned late.
Outta the way, Masterchef – Action Bronson’s been given a TV cooking show! Its title? ‘Fuck That’s Delicious’. Tasty.
Last week, Drake criticised Jay Z for eating fondue at a basketball game. In return, Drake drew fire from Hova fans for using a lint roller to clean his trousers courtside. Then Jay dissed Drake on a new DJ Khaled song, saying he was “soft like Lacrosse”. Which angered a spokesperson for Major League Lacrosse. Most bourgeois rap beef ever? It’s like something out of Downton Abbey.
A city in Ecuador put Paul McCartney’s new album logo on a mountainside in anticipation for an upcoming show there by the former Beatle. At this rate, Macca will be chiselled into Mount Rushmore on his next American tour…
Finally, a Kent man had his speakers seized this week for blasting Celine Dion too loudly. It’ll come as a blow to the guy but his heart, we’re sure, will go on.