As the year draws to a close, here’s our take on last 12 months, starting with 2011’s Most Heinous Lapse Of Judgement: Coldplay performing on the X Factor final, and telling Dermot they “loved” watching the show. Gah.
The Most Misleading Comeback Single: The Strokes, ‘Under Cover Of Darkness’. Such a brilliant song, we thought. As good as their debut! They’re back! And then we heard the album itself. Oh…
The Most Baffling Pop Phenomenon: Ed Sheeran. He’s topped the charts. Millions love him. And yet he’s a sub-Newton Faulkner wet lettuce balladeer. How the fuck did that happen?
The Most Glaringly Obvious Truth: Alex Turner admitting Arctic Monkeys was a ‘bad’ band name.
The Most Troubling Merging Of Talents: Super Heavy. This picture says it all, really…
The Most Likely Person To Collaborate With The Gorillaz In 2012: Eguchi Aimi, the virtual Japanese popstar. We can imagine them making beautiful music together.
The Vehicle Least Likely To Pass Its MOT: Lady Gaga’s person-bike on ‘Born This Way’. Looks like it’s got worse suspension than a 1954 Skoda.
The Most Flagrant Case Of Daylight Murder: Leona Lewis’ cover of ‘Hurt’. We’re used to bad cover versions, we really are, but this abomination made us want to cut off our own heads and throw them in the canal.
2011’s Most Spectacular Car Crash: Lou Reed and Metallica, ‘Lulu’. As car crash collaborations go, this was a multi-vehicle, articulated lorry-full once-in-a-generation tragedy. Just all kinds of wrong.
Drunk Of The Year: Matt Bellamy at the NME Awards 2012. It might be Dom drinking in this screen grab from the video that went viral but it was Matt’s hilarious antics that made us all want to share a pint with him (if not the night bus home).
Ironic Hero Of The Year: Rastamouse. You didn’t need to be drunk, stoned or a student to appreciate Reggie Yates’ crime-solving creature, but it helped.
Desperate Promo Video Of The Year: Rihanna’s ‘S&M’ vid. Sticks and stones may break our bones but this video repelled us. “Na na na come on”? No thanks, love.
Best Secret Gig Of The Year: Pulp at Glastonbury. Secret gigs and special shows are ten-a-penny these days, but Jarvis’ “impromptu” appearance at Pilton was one of the best gigs ever.
Lamest Legal Action: Liam’s short lived writ. Failing to put his money where his mouth was big time.
Saddest Split: White Stripes. Without a shadow of a doubt the biggest loss to music this year.
Split No-One Noticed: Pure Reason Revolution. They may have had some decent post-prog tunes, but the obit inches spent on their demise were somewhat more scant.
Best Reformation: The Stone Roses. The boys are back in town, this is the resurrection, and other such things. See you in Manchester next year!
New Band That Most Needs The Human Centipede Treatment: Little Mix. We just have a hunch that if their mouths were stapled to each others anuses the world would be a better place, that’s all.
Twat Of The Year: Frankie Cocozza Just look at him! And watch this video of him trying to impress Kyle from The View at our Christmas round table.
Cheesiest Vocals: Frank Ocean on the Jay-Z Kanye album. He may be one of next year’s hottest tips in his own right, but sweet baby Jesus that vocal sucked.
(Alleged) Homophobe Of The Tear: Tyler, The Creator. The Odd Future jackass wins this most dubious of accolades hands down.
Most Controversial NME Blog Of The Year: Rick Martin on Record Store Day. Many of our columnists attract attention of some kind or another, but this little missive rattled an enormous number of cages.
Got Dressed In The Dark With Their Hands Tied Behind Their Backs Award: Black Veil Brides. I know you usually rush round the internet like there’s no tomorrow, but pause on this page for just a moment to admire the majesty.
Best Song About Wanking: Bruno Mars. He’s not so sweet you know. Bruno wins this most coveted of accolades this year for ‘The Lazy Song’.
Sell Out Of The Year: Liam. The Smiths made a valiant late attempt with their John Lewis advert, but how can you top this? <–
Best Use Of Sexist Expletives: Azealia Banks. Playing with her “cunts” like no-one else.
Most Doomed TV Format: The X Factor. It dropped millions of viewers, it lost out to Strictly, it didn’t even get the Number One. Let’s hope Louie’s alien face will be off our screens sooner rather than later.
Reformation No-One Needed: Lighthouse Family. What do you mean, you didn’t even know they got back together?
Least Successful Music Website Start-Up: Tastebuds.fm. A website that finds you a partner based on your music tastes? What could go wrong? Nothing, until we started getting stalked by a Meatloaf-obsessed dwarf from Oldham.
Biggest Hair Of The Year: The guy from Yuck. Who knows what his name is, or where that wondruous microphone fuzz comes from, all we care is that he beats that dude from LMFAO by giving Britain’s gloomiest band a reason to carry on.
The Mutton Dressed As Pre-Teen Award: Her from The Ting Tings. Despite being older than Madonna, she managed to rock out another season of prepubescent outfits.
Most Useless University Challenge Guests: The Stone Roses. Did you see their grilling from Paxman? Wow, it was painful.
Best Stage Dive: Kanye. In another year of people falling over, the prime joker in the court of hip hop kept his crown. Watch the full video.
Thief Of The Year: Mike Pedicone. Finally getting fed up with his position behind the kit, the MCR sticksman decided to steal from the band, get caught red-handed, and get himself sacked. Nice one!