Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

Photo: PA

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

Noel Gallagher: the master of the soundbite, king of the quote. He's come out with so many pearls over the years, but incase you want to revisit some... Here are some of his finest, funniest quotes. Our top 50 begins here...

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Added: 6 Jul 2011

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On being a roadie: “I look back on those days as some of the best of my life. No photographs, no interviews. Just get up in the morning, make sure the gear works, do the gig and then fucking party.” (Blender, August 2008).

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Added: 16 Dec 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On NME: “If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - got dreadful hair and that kind of “mug me” look about them), give 'em a clip round the earhole from me and tell 'em to behave.” (MySpace, June 2009)

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Added: 22 Dec 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On ageing: "I don’t stay up for two or three days on end, fuckin’ talking shit about aliens, but I’m becoming more of a belligerent old man, you know what I mean? It’s the usual. When you get to a certain age you find that other people’s opinions don’t really matter anymore, and you get kind of uncomfortable with your place in modern life." (The Clash, October 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On frivolous purchases: “I had built for me a customized 1967 Mark II Jaguar convertible at a cost of £110,000, and I haven’t got a driving license. It’s useless to me.” (Blender, August 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On ambition: "You want to sell 5,000 limited-edition red vinyl seven-inches, that's fine. Make music for a closet full of people in Bradford somewhere ... but it doesn't mean anything to anyone. Phil Collins has got to be chased out of the charts, and Wet Wet Wet. It's the only way to do it, man, to fucking get in there among them and stamp the fuckers out." (The Guardian, Sept 1994)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On his guitar playing: “I'm average at fucking best.” (Total Guitar, January 2009)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On the death of guitar music: “They've been saying it for 30 years, ever since The Beatles split up, you know, that rock'n'roll's dead. When ever there's a boom there's always a bit of a lull afterwards. I suppose that avant garde punk rock will come back for a while, and it will all be shit again, and then guitar music will come back.” (Total Guitar, December 1998)

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Added: 9 Jul 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On life on tour: “Got thrown out of a taxi this morning. At least I think I did. Hard to tell over here. There was shouting and pointing and then the international hand signal for 'Get the fuck out of my cab, you western dog!'” (MySpace, March 2009)

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Photo: Dean Chalkley

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On his funeral: “I'm not really bothered 'cause I won't be there. I don't give a shit.” (Melody Maker, December 1998)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On the press: “Well, they're just waiting for us to make some monumental f---up, and they hope to be around when it happens. We've got to get one step ahead of those fellows.” (San Francisco Chronicle, January 1998)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On regrets: “I wish we'd let '(What's the Story) Morning Glory?' settle and go away. It was still Number 5 in the Billboard 100 when we started making 'Be Here Now'. I wish someone who's paid to be bright and clever had told us to go away and do a bit of living.” (Spin, Sept 2009)

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Added: 23 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On playing guitar: “It's a human playing a tree. Three chords on a guitar: now write a song. I only know 11! But I tell you what, God help you when i find the 12th!” (NME, September 2001)

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Added: 23 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On the possibility of a live album: “We're going to do a live album when I run out of ideas for songs, or if Liam starts writing Oasis songs (ha ha ha).” (NY Rock, December 1997)

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Added: 15 May 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On drugs: "If there were gold medals for taking drugs for England I would have won a shitload." (Parkinson, Nov 2006)

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Added: 23 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Kaiser Chiefs 'being wankers': “Well, they are, though. The worst thing about them is that they’re not very good. They play dress-up and sit on top of an apex of meaninglessness. They don’t mean anything to anybody apart from their fucking ugly girlfriends.” (Time Out: Chicago, December 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On the music: “Writing songs, that's what gets me going. Not the drugs or the sex or the rock'n'roll behaviour, it's the music.” (The Guardian, Sept 2009)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Jay-Z: “What did I think of Jay-Z doing 'Wonderwall'? It was pretty funny. But I’m not sure one should be seen in public with a white Stratocaster.” (Blender, August 2008)

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Added: 23 Mar 2009

Photo: Dean Chalkley

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Keane: “I feel sorry for Keane. No matter how hard they try they’ll always be squares. Even if one of them started injecting heroin into onto his cock people would go ‘Yeah but your dad was a vicar, good night’.” (Herald Sun, October 2008).

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Added: 21 Dec 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On moshpits: “It seems like you've got these gigs where it'll be the front three rows of people in this big massive hole but there's geezers running around, punching each other...singing like 'Live Forever'...totally missing the point.” (Indepth, March 1995)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On brotherly relations: “I like to think I keep it real. Liam keeps it surreal, and somewhere between the two we get on all right.” (The Daily Telegraph, Februaury 2007)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On the worst possible psychological torture: “Being sat beside Liam on a 15-hour flight. It happened just the once, going to Japan or somewhere. It's just horrible.” (Melody Maker, December 1999)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On global warming: "You can’t blame rock stars for global warming when the Chinese, the Indians and the Americans have been pumping out shit into the atmosphere for the last 100 years." (Herald Sun, October 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On free downloads: “I’m not giving my records away for free. If nobody fuckin' buys them then... They’re not going out for free.” (The Clash, October 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Liam: “He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.” (Q, April 2009)

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Added: 10 Jul 2009

Photo: Dean Chalkley

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On the Beckhams: “Why is Posh Beckham writing a fucking book of her memoirs? she can't even chew chewing gum and walk in a fucking straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.” (NME, September 2001)

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Added: 23 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On religion: “The World of God is in the Bible, right? And in the Bible it doesn't mention dinosaurs, so that quite not be truth. 'Coz if God created the human first, where did the fuckin' dinosaurs came from?“ (ViaX, October 2006)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On 'Definitely Maybe': “Look. I was a superhero in the '90s. I said so at the time. McCartney, Weller, Townshend, Richards, my first album's better than all their first albums. Even they'd admit that.” (The Guardian, November 2006)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On status: “You have to see us in league with The Rolling Stones now. Everybody's heard of the Stones, everybody knows what they sound like, everybody knows what they do. You either go because you like it or you don't. It's easy.” (Rolling Stone, November 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On regrets: "One of the worst things that ever happened to me was when I said that thing about Blur [in an interview in 1995, Gallagher said he hoped Damon Albarn and Alex James would "get Aids", which he later retracted and apologised for]. My mam rang me up when she saw that and she was really angry and she said to me 'I didn't bring you up to talk like that'." (Irish Times, October 2008)

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Added: 23 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Liam: “I read these interviews with him and I don’t know who the guy is who’s in these interviews, he seems really cool, because the guy I’ve been in a band with for the last 18 years is a fucking knobhead.” (Herald Sun, October 2008)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On credibility: "Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He's supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking... I'm not having that, that's fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it's like doing a fucking gig for McDonald's." (NME, December 2005)

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Added: 23 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On drugs: “Didn't go into rehab like all me mates did - fucking lightweights.” (Q, December 1999)

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Added: 22 Jan 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On meeting Tony Blair: “I don't have a crystal ball. I didn't see he was going to turn into a cunt. I was 30, off me head on drugs, and everyone telling me we were the greatest band since who knows. Then the prime minister invites you round for a glass of wine. It all becomes part of the high.” (Spin, Sept 2009)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Thom Yorke: “No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed', at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play 'Creep'. Get over it.” (The Daily Telegraph, February 2007)

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Added: 22 Dec 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On U2: "Play ‘One’, shut the fuck up about Africa." (The Daily Telegraph, February 2007)

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Added: 22 Dec 2009

Photo: Kevin Westenberg

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On an Oasis opera: “I don't think two blokes having the same fucking argument for 16 years over and over is the stuff of opera. Oasis: The Opera would be very short.” (Spin, Sept 2009)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Coldplay: “The Man has taken over the world. All the kids have to look up to now are bland, faceless fucking trainee police officers. Liam should be given a knighthood! You couldn't imagine Chris Martin from Coldplay laying out a photographer for taking a picture of his kid!“ (NME, September 2001)

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Added: 22 Dec 2009

Photo: Dean Chalkley

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On sharing songwriting duties: “I never sat down and decreed that suddenly everyone else was allowed to write songs. The door was always open. But for the first 10 years, everyone else was completely uninterested.” (The Guardian, June 2005)

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Added: 22 Dec 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Oasis live: “This is rock 'n' roll, not a charity handout. I don’t care who you are, why you’re here, what you expect. If you buy the ticket then you’re going to get the show we put on. And if you don’t like it, you know what you can do.” (Dw World, March 2003)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On drugs: “I still tell people that the 'Be Here Now' album is the best advertisement against taking cocaine. It goes on too long, it's smothered by its self of self-importance - the same as coke users are.” (Irish Times, October 2008)

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Added: 22 Dec 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Blur: "Damon Albarn is a fucking knobber. And his guitarist - who I thought was all right - seems to think that he's some intelligent superhuman being, the fucking idiot. I never met the drummer and the bassist, who I first didn't like and thought he was a cunt, turned out to be quite all right. But I don't like the music, and I don't like the singer." (NY Rock, December 1997)

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Added: 17 Aug 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On hip-hop; “I fucking despise hip-hop. Loathe it. Eminem is a fucking idiot and I find 50 Cent the most distasteful character I have ever crossed in my life.” (The Guardian, June 2005)

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Added: 21 Jan 2009

Photo: Dean Chalkley

Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On Live8: "I'm not sure about this Live8 thing. Correct me if I am wrong, but are they hoping that one of these guys from the G8 is on a quick 15-minute break at Gleneagles and sees Annie Lennox singing 'Sweet Dreams' and thinks, 'Fuck me, she might have a point there, you know.' It's not going to fucking happen, is it?" (The Guardian, June 2005)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On lyrics: "I write the first line and the end word, 'Supersonic', it's like, 'Well, what rhymes with that?' And you start off with 'A' and you go, 'Atomic. Bionic.' Then you go...'Gin & Tonic. Alright, that'll do.' It's no big deal. You just write it down, and people go 'Wow! Feeling Supersonic...Give me Gin and Tonic. Wow!' Basically, cos it rhymes." (Indepth, March 1995)

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On religion: “I certainly don’t believe in religion, although I find it fascinating that it’s become so powerful in the world and it’s kind of dictated morals down through societies for thousands of years, but I don’t see the hand of God at work in the world anywhere.” (Clash Magazine, October 2008) Photo: Richard Johnson

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On 'Wonderwall': “The Who always play 'I Can't Explain'; and we'll always play 'Wonderwall'. People ask us if we get bored of it. You can't get bored of 15,000 people shouting for 'Wonderwall'. That's better than drugs. You get a hard-on when you hear that.” (Q, December 1999)

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Added: 17 Aug 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On 'Be Here Now': “If you're given a blank cheque to record an album and as much studio time as you want you're hardly gonna be focused. There's a pub round the corner and Kentucky Fried Chicken - you just get lazy.” (Q, December1999)

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Added: 17 Aug 2009

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

“I have to say about all these videos: If you needed four guys to walk around in slow motion, we were the best at that.” Noel on Oasis's old music videos.

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Added: 2 Nov 2011

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Noel Gallagher's 50 Funniest Quotes

On literature vs rock 'n' roll: “People who write and read and review books are fucking putting themselves a tiny little bit above the rest of us who fucking make records and write pathetic little songs for a living … I don’t get it. Book sellers, book readers, book writers, book owners – fuck all of them.” (GQ, October 2013)

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