As the year draws to a close, here’s our take on the last 12 months, starting with 2012’s Britpoppiest Night Of The Year: Liam Gallagher and The Spice Girls partied hard after the Olympics closing ceremony (or Posh just got a shit haircut)
Band Most Likely To Set Themselves Up For A Massive Fall: Paul’s son James McCartney suggested that a “new Beatles’ made up of Sean Lennon, Dhani Harrison and Ringo’s son Jason Starkey could happen. Here come the sons…
Chief Douchebag: Chris Brown, obvs. The R&B hooligan went to every effort possible to bum everyone out in 2013, leading to protestors defacing his new album with stickers reading: ” Warning: Do not buy this album! This man beats women.”
Most Inventive Sabotage Of An Artwork Of The Beatles’ Penises. An artwork depicting the penises of the four members of The Beatles was defaced while on public display at the Museum Of Liverpool. The penises, rendered in still-soft oil paint and labelled for each band member, were pressed and smudged. We’re not sure which party in this story is weirder.
Craziest Conspiracy Theory Involving Celebrity Baby: Blue Ivy Carter – the newborn child of Beyonce and Jay-Z – found herself the subject of Satanist and Illuminati conspiracy theory rumours. No information on whether famous New World Order mentalist Jim Corr (that’s right) was involved.
Most Unexpected Coming Out Of A Musician In Favour Of Skrillex: “I fucking love Skrillex,” said Dave Grohl after that hoo-ha when he lashed out against electronic music at the Grammys. Here’s hoping he won’t follow Muse (and everyone else) down the path of wub.
Courtney Love’s Put-Down Of The Year: “Next time you sing ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ think about my vagina’,” said Ms Love to Lana Del Rey, ruining every feckless Nirvana fan’s favourite song.
Greatest Stage Meltdown Of The Year: Bille Joe Armstrong’s outburst at Las Vegas was inspired. “Let me tell you something, I’ve been around since 19-fucking-88. And you’re gonna give me one fucking minute? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! You’re fucking kidding me. What the fuck! I’m not fucking Justin Bieber, you motherfuckers.”
Most Disturbing Faceswap Of The Most Disturbing Couple: Not content to let the world adjust to the news of Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s happy union, someone did the inevitable. Sweet dreams!
Neighbourhood Scrap Of The Year: Hall & Oates were involved in an altercation in Norwalk, Ohio – but not that Hall & Oates. Roger Oates [pictured] was jailed after allegedly biting his neighbour Scott Hall’s eyebrow off, suggesting he is, indeed, a ‘Maneater’ of sorts.
Best Vom: Everyone’s favourite pop punch bag Justin Bieber vomited on stage in Arizona during the first night (September 29) of his ‘Believe’ world tour. The squirt was performing ‘Out Of Town Girl’ when he abruptly turned away from the audience and began to spew. The singer then legged it off stage as dancers continued to dance around his sick. Too much milk, apparently.
Most Shamelessly Attention-Grabbing Album Cover Of The Year: Death Grips had quite a year, what with leaking their own album and being dropped by their label – but their most shameless attention stunt had to be putting a willy on their album cover. Stay classy.
Cheesiest Sell-Out Of The Year: Not content to bludgeon Britain with cheese, Alex James wrote a frenzied editorial in the Sun praising fast food outlets KFC, McDonalds and Gregg’s. He liked Maccers to a Michelin-starred restaurant, saying he was “dazzled” by a tour. What a wazzock.
Most Surprisingly Successful Comeback From A Train Wreck: The latest act in the ShakeSpearsean tragedy of Britney’s life? She’s only the highest earning woman in the music industry this year. You’d have thought she could afford a chair to sit on, but no.
Saddest Split Of The Year: “WU LYF is dead to me,” posted Ellery Roberts, suggesting the enigmatic Manchester rockers had called it a day. It’s a shame – we were looking forward to hearing more.
Act Most Unlikely To Feature In The Olympics: Emile Sandé. HA. HA. HA. No, it was a pleasure for music fans everywhere when Fuck Buttons started playing at the Olympics Opening Ceremony. Nice one, Danny Boyle.
Ponytail of the year: Can only go to Mr Thom Yorke of Radiohead. Some would say he pulled it off, others would say he looked a petty criminal from Toulouse.
The Band Reunion Most Likely To Disappoint: The original Sugababes are back together to triumphant hysteria from all corners. It’ll probably be just about as good as the Girls Aloud one.
Katy Perry Insult Of The Year goes to Crystal Castles’ Alice Glass: “Fucking Katy Perry spraying people with her fucking dick, her fucking cum gun coming on fucking children… Don’t encourage little girls to get dressed up, to have cupcakes on their tits to get people to lick them off, ’cause that’s what you’re insinuating.”
Quote Involving The Use Of Weetabix: Liam Gallagher summed up Wayne Rooney’s hair transplant to a T when he said the footballer “looks like a fucking balloon with Weetabix crushed on top”. Vintage Liam.
Best Fall Down The Stairs: Does Stevie Wonder have psychic powers? Olly Murs was covering one of his tunes at a festival in the summer when he fell crashing down some wet stairs. And while we’re on the subject, lose the braces, mate.
The Split No-one Gave A Shit About: Those Aussie rockers Jet parted ways earlier this year. Two of them have already formed a new group called “DamnDog”, which is the Worst New Band Name Of 2013.
Lamest Acting Debut Of All Time: Pitting yourself against Charlotte Gainsbourg on screen was always going to be a challenge, but Pete Doherty’s acting debut in Confession Of A Child Of The Century this year plumbed new depths of disaster. Prepare for a Razzie, P-Dog.
Stupidest Sexual Reference In A Lyric Lana Del Rey’s “My pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola” takes the biscuit.
Best Example Of Walking In On A Parent Having Sex. Slash revealed in an interview with NME one of the weirdest situations in popular music ever: he once walked in on his mum having sex with David Bowie.
Best Hide-Out From The Mayan Apocalypse: Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood was reported to be hiding out in a rural Brazilian hotel to wait for the end of the world, according to local press. His management denied but who knows the truth?
Most Beautiful News Story Of The Year: James Blunt quit the music industry. O frabjous day.