Who’s the greatest fictional journalist of all time: Bridget Jones? Rita Skeeter? Clark Kent? Ron Burgundy? Think again. Dominating Channel 6 weekday news since 1990, Kenny Brockelstein – or as we know him, Kent Brockman – has reported on all the cases the citizens of Springfield want to hear about. From the total eclipse to the economic decline, Kent Brockman has reported it all, and as The Simpsons edges towards the 30th season mark, he shows no sign of putting down the broadcasting microphone. So here you have it: Kent Brockman’s greatest quotes, from over two and a half decades of broadcasting. Words: Brigid Harrison-Draper
Episode: Season 5, Episode 15 – ‘Deep Space Homer’
After a decline in public interest in space travel, NASA sends Homer into space only for him to crash into an ant farm, which leads to their takeover of the space craft.
Kent Brockman says: ‘I for one welcome our new insect overlords and I’d like to remind them as a trusted TV personality I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in the underground sugar caves.’
Episode: Season 8, Episode 21 – ‘The Old Man and the Lisa’
With the help of Lisa Simpson, bankrupt Mr. Burns finds himself desperate to take back the money he lost from stock investments.
Kent Brockman says: ‘And from our “it’s funny when it happens to them” file, remember millionaire C Montgomery Burns who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy and stole Christmas from 1981-1985? Guess who’s flat broke and picking trash for a living?’
Episode: Season 5, Episode 10 – ‘$pringfield (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)’
The economy of Springfield falls into a fast decline, and Mayor Quimby legalises gambling, which leads to Marge’s addiction, one angry Homer and Lisa winning her Geography pageant.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch’
Episode: Season 8, Episode 18 – ‘Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment’
During a St Patrick’s Day celebration, Bart becomes intoxicated, prompting a ban on alcohol. Homer becomes an underground alcohol dealer resulting in his nickname ‘beer baron’
Kent Brockman says: ‘Top o the morning to ye on this grey drizzly afternoon, I Kent o’Brockman live on Main Street where everyone is a little bit Irish’
Episode: Season 16, Episode 4 – ‘She Used to Be My Girl’
Context: Discovering that Mayor Quimby has had 27 different paternity suits filed against him, journalists gather to interview Quimby, who happens to be on Springfield Terrace.
Kent Brockman says: ‘This just in, I’m pissed off’
Episode: Season 7, Episode 23 – ‘Much Apu About Nothing’
A large bear walks onto the streets of Springfield, frightening the residents of Springfield.
Kent Brockman says: ‘A large bear-like animal most likely a bear has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment’
Episode: Season 18, Episode 22 – ‘You Kent Always Say What You Want’
After Homer purchases an ice cream parlor’s millionth cone, he’s welcomed to the Kent Brockman show ‘Smartline’. Angered that he has to do a piece on such a dull topic, Kent turns the interview into a discussion on the Middle Eastern conflict. Homer knocks a cup of coffee onto Kent’s lap making him swear live on air. Disgusted by his language, Ned Flanders starts a complaint towards the show resulting in Kent being demoted to weekend weatherman.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Reporters used to expose corruption and corporate greed. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle at the teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper called the six-o’clock news.’
Episode: Season 24, Episode 6 – ‘A Tree Grows in Springfield’
After the Simpsons’ backyard tree is found with the word ‘hope’ written on it in sap, Kent Brockman sets out to reveal the truth behind the ‘miracle tree’.
Kent Brockman says: ‘This is Kent Brockman vowing to debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Up next, stay tuned for your winning lottery numbers! It’s your turn for sure!’
Episode: Season 5, Episode 16 – ‘Homer Loves Flanders’
The episode opens with Kent Brockman shaming the US Army, labeling them as the ‘kill-bot factory’. Showrunner David Mirkin said this was joke that staff loved to do, showing how negative and disheartening broadcasts can be.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be… The Kill-bot Factory.’
Episode: Season 7, Episode 6 – ‘Treehouse of Horror VI’
A storm brings Springfield’s billboards and advertisements alive and they begin to attack Springfield.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Even as we speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.’
Episode: Season 28, Episode 1 – ‘Monty Burns’ Fleeing Circus’
After Springfield burns down, Mr Burns promises to help rebuild the city only if he can host a variety show. The variety show is a success and the people of Springfield are able to rebuild their beloved town.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Springfield has risen from the ashes like a phoenix. That’s phoenix the mythical bird, and not Phoenix the cultureless Mars-scape of the southwest.’
Episode: Season 19, Episode 21 – ‘Girly Edition’
Krusty the Clown’s show comes under scrutiny by the Federal Communications Commission for not being educational enough for children. Because of this his show is cut 10 minutes short in order to make room for a kids’ news program. Lisa, the news anchor, is labeled as boring, allowing her brother Bart to take over her position. Bart seeks advice from Kent Brockman after overhearing Lisa talk behind his back, where Kent teaches him about the power of human interest stories.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Human interest stories – they cloud the issues and fog the mind.’
Episode: Season 19, Episode 8 – ‘Funeral for a Fiend’
Sideshow Bob fakes a heart attack, making the people of Springfield believe he has died.
Kent Brockman says: ‘America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ.’
Episode: Season 3, Episode 23 – ‘Bart’s Friend Falls in Love’
After hearing the news about the amount of obese people in America, Lisa becomes worried that Homer’s obesity will lead to an early death. She suggests that Marge orders a weight loss tape for Homer, but the company send Homer a ‘vocabulary builder’ tape instead. Homer wakes up the next day suddenly articulate but ends up indulging in more food than usual.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon.’
Episode: Season 3, Episode 5 – ‘Homer Defined’
After splattering a donut onto the nuclear reactor core’s temperature dial, Homer dismisses the dial that is near the red zone. The nuclear reactor approaches a meltdown and as he seems to be the only person who can stop it, Homer presses a random button through the rhyme ‘eenie meenie’.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Eenie meenie miney mo. Is Homer a hero? The answer is no.’
Episode: Season 2, Episode 9 – ‘Itchy & Scratchy & Marge’
Marge sets up a group against violence (SNUH) after Maggie attacks Homer, inspired by watching Itchy & Scratchy. Michelangelo’s famous sculpture ‘David’ goes on a coast-to-coast tour, exhibiting in Springfield. Members of the SNUH urge Marge to protest against the sculpture being exhibited in Springfield because of its ‘offensiveness’. Marge appears on Smartline with Kent Brockman, confirming that she will not protest against the sculpture being exhibited because she views it as a masterpiece.
Kent Brockman says: ‘Is it a masterpiece? Or just some guy with his pants down?’
Episode: Season 14, Episode 14 – ‘Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington’
Krusty the Clown nominates himself as a candidate for Congress. Through a tough campaign where opponent John Armstrong brings up Krusty’s previous offensive jokes, The Simpsons help Krusty to win the election.
Kent Brockman says: ‘This is Kent Brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of Crusty opponent John Armstrong, how do I prove we’re live…Penis’