July 3, 2001

Hear'Say : London Astoria G-A-Y

Ousted Big Brother harpy Penny introduces the Popstars band, and we consider whose celeb status will last longest...

Reality TV shows and failure go hand in hand like school discos and sick. As Penny left the Big Brother house the clock began ticking away her celebrity shelf life. Tonight she is at G-A-Y to introduce Hear'Say because, well, what else can she do (besides make bread)?

Hear'Say's life expectancy has been the subject of much pub debate of late, 'It'll be all over by Christmas' being the consensus. Certainly the public hysteria has subsided, although you wouldn't think it tonight. In addition to the post-Mardi Gras revellers, G-A-Y's balcony is stuffed full of the Popstars' families who scream and wave throughout (let's hope they don't behave this way at breakfast!)

Although the band's first tour is imminent, they are still trotting out the same old songs with the same old routines. 'Monday Monday' and 'Bridge Over Sodding Water' have seriously lost their charm. Only album track 'One' and b-side 'Boogie Wonderland' are additions to the well-worn set. Hear'Say are just not a natural pop act and often resemble the junior cast of Eastenders 'doing a number' for Children In Need. They enjoy what they do but it's just that: something they do, not who they are.

Their excitement has not diminished though: Danny can't stop grinning, Kym and Myleene indulge in a mock 'cat-fight' in answer to some tabloid nonsense, and it's genuinely moving to see their reaction to the news that they're at number one with 'The Way To Your Love'. However, this is where things go awry. Penny enters, stage right, carrying a giant 'No 1' cake. The group hurl a few handfuls of it to the crowd but a large chunk is flung back and hits Penny square in the tits. Another piece lands in her hair. As the food fight continues, and the chocolate slips down her cleavage, she is heard to utter "Just stop it!"

Don't worry Penny, it'll all be over soon, for one of you at least.

Timothy Mark