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Craig David: London Wembley Arena

We prove just why Craig 'Craig' David should've won every Brit going...

Craig David: London Wembley Arena

Craig David skips onto the stage for his third sold-out night at Wembley Arena with a lope that is equal parts hip-hop panther and slightly camp antelope. Easily the biggest and hardest thing to come out of Southampton since the Titanic (or at least Chris Packham off The Really Wild Show's late '80s Billy Idol fright-wig), he has shrugged off death threats to be with this evening. Maybe the tooled-up lunatic who phoned Wembley Arena and claimed he'd do for David like he did for Phil Mitchell (well, possibly) should watch his back, because it would seem that our Craig's here on a mission.



Craig David's objectives:

Prove beyond reasonable doubt that the award of Brits to artists other than Craig David is futile.

Ensure that audience are kept aware that it is Craig David who is the singer of the Craig David concert that they have attended. Craig David. Craig David.

Discover whereabouts of Craig David's, "laydeeeeees".

Tonight, Brit-less but unbowed, Craig David (Craig David) is the Al Gore of Pop: proof that, on occasion, every winner loses. His show, in case you were wondering, is ace, and half way through new single 'Rendezvous' (not, sadly, a cheeky two-step take on the Jean Michelle Jarre 'classic') it strikes us that a terrible injustice has been done. Here then are the actual results from the Great Brit farce, following the nmepop.com re-re-count:



BEST BRITISH MALE

We know that CD is the best Brit, because he tells us so before a thumping finale of 'Fill Me In'. "When Craig David steps onto the stage he feels proud to be British," he announces, like Jimmy from 'Seinfeld'. We know he's the best male, because he's always looking out for the laydeeeees and, erm, introduces a new song called (wait for it) 'Four Times a Lady'. Thinking about it, that's worth an award on its own.



WINNER: Craig David



BEST BRITISH ALBUM

Few things can have captured the imagination of the country so completely as that photo of Craig David on the front cover of 'Born To Do It'. With his eyes closed and his hands clasped over his 'cans', it's an oddly effete version of Edward Munch's 'The Scream' for the text message set. Plastered on every conceivable surface within five miles of Wembley, its hypnotic effect is such that several people have made their way here in hats and/or headphones.



WINNER: Craig David



BEST BRITISH DANCE ACT

Fatboy Slim clocked nmepop.com's flatmate eyeing up his mega-flop new album in a shop the other day and promptly collapsed into giggles. Why? Is it really that bad? There will be no such crisis of confidence for the Craigster. "How does he do it?" he asks of himself before leading his band through a defiantly daft 'Booty Man'. Frugging ensues.



WINNER: Craig David



BEST BRITISH NEWCOMER

Now we do like a1: especially since they proved that they could fly whilst doing Take On Me at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party. Unfortunately, last time we looked, half of them weren't particularly British, which makes them terrible cheats. Bo!



WINNER: Craig David



BEST BRITISH VIDEO

One problem with Robbie Williams' 'Rock DJ' video being banned was that this somehow seemed to make TV chiefs show it more often. Another was that it was disgusting. Not an issue for Craig's nice videos, which all appear to be shot in Habitat and are projected onto huge CDtv screens hanging in the arena. There's less unbearably smug pseudo-rapping in them as well. Not much less, but a bit.



WINNER: Craig David



BEST BRITISH SINGLE

One can only assume that the 'listeners of Commercial Radio', who initially managed to foul-up the vote for best single, think that cutting edge UK garage is a service station snack bar. Certainly there's none of them amongst the 12,000 here who go ballistic when Craig tells us all about his drinking/shagging/chilling plans for the upcoming week (lots of the first two Mon-Sat, then feet up for the new series of 'Ballykissangel', apparently).



WINNER: Craig David



As Wembley's appreciation for the boy David reaches almost deafening volume with his other two shoo-ins for single of the year, 'Walking Away' and 'Rewind', there's only one dissenter in the whole building. "You think this is loud?" asks a burly security guard. "You should see Steps." He's probably right.



Andrew Wagstaff

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