October 2, 1999

Big Sur : Lonely when I'm down

...do SOMETHING instead of irritating the rest of us with your balls-achingly irritating, self-pitying whining!

"Lonely when I'm down", groans the lead singer. Tosser. "Should I force myself to get up again?" he asks, listlessly. Fuck YES! Join a gym, wolf Prozac like Smarties, get out in the sunshine, buy a dog, start eating meat again, have a wank, go for a run, play some Command & Conquer on the Sony PlayStation or go out and brick a copper but for God's sake do SOMETHING instead of irritating the rest of us with your balls-achingly irritating, self-pitying whining! Pull yourself together! OK, so we all get depressed sometimes but we don't all feel the need to then go out and deliberately make unspeakably twee and depressing records in order to 'bring down' as many other people as possible, do we?

Word of advice, Tosser, buy a punchbag and glue a picture of Chris Evans on it and the next time you feel yourself getting bummed out stick some boxing gloves on your fists and some cranked-up to merry-fuckery Prodge on the stereo and belt 777,000 shades of steaming shit out of the smug ginger twat's freckled fizzog and KEEP punching away - SMAK! SMAK! SMAK! SMAK! - until

you achieve endorphin-drenched hate-nirvana like Sylvester Stallone at the end of Rocky.

But make sure you warm up and stretch properly first or you could do yourself an injury.

Steven Wells