Having it large with both house and garage, STEVEN WELLS is on the Various bus, and he's packed his exclamation mark.

DJs Psycho-Bitch & Teri Bristol
[I](The Sound Of The Underground)[/I]

. No, ‘underground’ in this context is shorthand for “recorded in a biscuit tin by insane mice”. Coincidentally, penis-free disc-jockeys Bitch & Bristol say [I]incredibly [/I]interesting things in the sleevenotes along the lines of, “I plan to continue spending my life deeply involved in the music business.” Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.

Necessary or evil? Positively [I]vital[/I]. Groovy ruffazagrizzlyass bop-pop so utterly pranceworthy it’ll probably have dead and legless former Colditz inmate Group Captain Douglas Baader coming back to life and jiving like a rickets-ridden maniac on Nazi Crank. Unless it is banned – NOW! 7/10

Revolucion En La Casa – The Essential Latin House Collection

Now here’s a clever idea – disco music with extra added maracas and people shouting stuff in Spanish plus spag Western baddie-style manic laughing. And whistles and stuff. And the odd angry polemic about the evil capitalistic gringos. Fuck it – why not? For pop music evolution surely needs these [I]Isle Of Doctor Moreau[/I]-style mutant-farms.

Necessary or evil? Probably makes sense if you’re frozen-margarita’d out of your tiny fucking skull in sun-roasted Miami, but to [I]these [/I]frost-shrivelled ears this sounds like frilly-shirted mariachi-music with added drum machines and a bit of naff rapping. Back into the bubbling DNA vat, you sombrero-sporting mutant bastard! 3/10

The House Music Movement Mixed by Oscar G & Ralph Falcon

Where’s me fucking ketamine! Aaaaaaah! That’s better. Our two backwards-baseball-hat-wearing Miami DJ chums also operate under the names Murk & The Funky Green Dogs and this LP is “guaranteed to bring back memories of the days of acid house”. Ah, nostalgia!

Necessary or evil? This, presumably, is the stuff that they play in the ‘chill-out’ room where you go if you can’t handle your drugs. It’s subtle. It’s clever. It’s sophisticated. [I]Bollocks[/I]! It’s muzak and it fucking SUCKS! 2/10

The Best House Anthems… Ever!

All your cheesily groovy Ravey-Davey handbag faves on two long-playing CDs including ‘You Don’t Know Me’ by Armand Van Helden, ‘Right Here Right Now’ by Fatboy Slim, ‘Music Sounds Better With You’ by Stardust and, of course, ‘The Bomb (These Sounds Fall Into My Mind)’ by the utterly awesome Kenny ‘Dope’ Presents The Bucketheads (where are they now, we wonder?)

Necessary or evil? Crack open the Tizer, clear the dancefloor and watch me [I]twist![/I] This IS [I]the [/I]Hound Of The Baskerville’s bollocks. How big is this dog? Very big! How big are its bollocks? HUGE! Probably the only disco record you need to own. Buy it. Make Virgin/EMI rich. They deserve it. 8/10


“Dancing to music that rarely changes in texture or tempo is often connected to another drug – Ecstasy” says the posh lady on Radio 4 – synchronicity or what!? Pah! Who needs drugs when we got this “pumping, feel-good” LP of “massive, uplifting house and epic house tracks”?

Necessary or evil? Sadly this is the sort of music which has been designed to be danced to by those folk who’ve taken loads of drugs that make you want to dance to music like this, etc. Alright for them as likes Parkinson’s disease, then. 4/10